Page 151 of Only After We Met
And my knuckles were white from clutching the phone.
And my heart was shriveling as it heard his words.
“We had dinner outside, and you hugged me in the middle of the street—I still walk that street sometimes when I feel lonely—and you told me you were in love with me.”
“Rhys, stop, please…”
“And then we went back to the apartment and fucked.”
“You need to go home.”
“But the party just started…”
“Not for you. That much I can tell.”
“Ginger, you ought to be here.” He pulled the phone away from his ear a second to shout to the waiter to bring him another drink. “We’d have fun. Enjoy ourselves. No worries, no plans. The waythings ought to be. You and me versus the world.”
“Rhys, you’re getting out of control.”
“I miss you, Ginger…”
“You need to stop.” I struggled to maintain my serenity, pinched the bridge of my nose, sighed. “How can you not realize it? I’ve got to go.”
He said something else too, but I hung up and turned my phone off before sobbing into my hand. If only I could have pretended he didn’t affect me. Or that I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. Or that I could just go on without him. But none of that was true. It was devastating. Like trying to walk one way while he was pulling me back toward the place I’d decided to leave behind. I couldn’t go that fast. I couldn’t keep looking ahead like that. I couldn’t watch him fall. And everything was about to change.
Now… I couldn’t let myself hesitate.
I went back to bed a little while later. I hugged James. I knew he would be awake. He rubbed my shoulders. It was comforting, that calm, that stability.
“Things can’t go on like this, Ginger.”
“I know. I’ll take care of it.”
“Okay. Get some rest then.”
89
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: I’m so sorry
I don’t know how to start this message. I don’t know if the right words exist to tell you what I have to say. And maybe I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe in a few years, I’ll look back and regret it…but I can’t go on like this. I just can’t. I will always love you, but at the moment, I need a little space. Or more. I need us not to talk to each other for a while.
You can’t go on being my priority, even if I allowed it in the past. Sometimes I feel like I lost you a long time ago, when I left last summer. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to make things go back to the way they were, avoiding the subjects I know we always argue over, pretending everything’s cool between us…but it’s not true. Nothing’s cool.
And now everything’s changed…
I’m pregnant, Rhys.
James and I are expecting a baby.
I’ve been writing and erasing and rewriting this email for days. Because I know when I send it, I’ll lose a part of myself. An important one. My best friend. But I think, even if you can’t understand it right now, that I’m doing us both a favor. Because you can never move forward if you’re constantly looking back, and I can’t let myself harbor doubts right now, because this baby…knowing it exists, knowing it’s growing inside me, is the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me…
I hope one day you can forgive me.
And I hope you take care of yourself. And find yourself.