Page 128 of Only After We Met
You know what’s the worst thing of all? Knowing all this about you. Knowing the worst version of you, as you said, and still loving you and looking at my email every night.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I know
You’re right about everything.
Please forgive me.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: [No subject]
Rhys, you’re forgiven.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Thank you
I don’t deserve you, Ginger.
75
Rhys
I missed her so much some nights that I felt I couldn’t breathe in the apartment we had shared. The truth of her absence grabbed me around the throat, and finally, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I’d go out on the balcony with a drink; then I’d remember the hours we’d spent out there, while she touched the purple leaves of the bougainvillea that climbed the walls. Her shadow pursued me if I went down to the beach to take a walk as far as the lighthouse. Ginger was still there in every corner. Until I lost myself in the crowds, in the music.
There were good days, days when I thought I was getting past the memory of her body rubbing against mine. The feeling, growing more and more distant, of waking up in the morning and sensing the weight of her next to me, turning my head, seeing her sleeping with her mouth open and her arms stretched out like there was nothing to hide.
There were bad days too though. Days when I’d come back from a party and throw myself down on the couch with a beer in my hand, rereading old emails and trying to find something. A clue,maybe? A sign? Because sometimes, I thought we were making a mistake. In moments like that, I thought the only sensible thing I could do with my life was catch a plane and take off for London. And I’d ask myself what someone like me, so unstable, so far from the idea of what she wanted, could offer her…
And I’d get up and go for another beer.
Or whatever else there was in the fridge.
And I’d drink and stare out the window.
Contemplating an impossible moon.
76
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: News
They gave me the loan! I can hardly believe it after so many weeks of filling out forms and jumping through hoops. Did I tell you I hate banks? They’re horrible places, with those cold marble floors, the greedy looks on the faces of the tellers, the way they size you up depending on how much money you have in your account…
The important thing is, it’s done. It’s real! I’m going to start a publishing company, Rhys! I’m floating on air. I owe it all to my father; he ended up cosigning for me.
What are you up to? How’s everything?