Page 123 of Only After We Met

We looked at each other in the darkness of the summer night. We were just a few inches apart. And I could make those inches disappear if I wanted to.

“Easy. Simple. Just fun and nothing else.”

“Fuck you, Rhys!” she hissed.

I grabbed her wrist before she could turn around. “Wait. I didn’t mean that. I didn’t want…”

“You said it. Imbecile.”

“I know, okay? But this is killing me, just watching the time run down, not knowing when we’ll see each other again, you acting as if you don’t even care.”

“I can’t believe this.”

I let her go. Anxious. Nervous. Angry.

“I was trying not to ruin our last few weeks together! What did you want me to do? You didn’t exactly seem moved when we were talking that day in the tub.Do what you want! That’s what you toldme! So I decided I’d just be like you, follow your philosophy, and try to think in the present, just enjoy myself, and leave it at that.”

“Well, congratulations. You did it,” I grunted.

“Yeah. And I’m almost happy about it, seeing that all you wanted out of this was another hookup, the kind you forget before it’s even over. I know you, Rhys. I know what you’re like.”

“If that’s what you think, then you don’t know me at all.”

I stared daggers at her. She was sobbing.

“You’re right.” She wiped away her tears. “But I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to because I can’t stand you being so blind. You always seem so far away, impossible to even reach…”

“Do I seem that way now?”

“No.” She stepped toward me.

I felt a knot growing. In my stomach. In my throat. My heart was pounding so hard, I brought a hand to my chest to try and still it. I looked at her. So brave. So whole. So different from me. I was getting smaller and smaller, more and more cowardly…

“You still don’t understand, do you?” she whispered.

She hugged me. I felt her hot breath on my neck and her voice surrounding me, entering every hollow in my body, filling the void.

“I’m in love with you, Rhys. I have been for a long time. I think it started that night when I met you in Paris.”

I trembled, holding her tighter against me.

“There are days when I almost hate you, because you shine so bright I can’t see you, and you make it impossible to even look at any other guy…”

I kissed her hard, trapped her against the wall, groaned against her mouth, and she gripped my T-shirt before sliding her handsbeneath it. I should have told her then. I should have grabbed the back of her neck so she couldn’t avoid my stare and told her I was in love with her too. But I didn’t. Again. I didn’t kiss her in the airport in Paris before she left. I didn’t dare take the next step in London. And here, tonight, I wasn’t up to her level, I couldn’t squeeze the words out.

I was confused. Stagnant. In a daze.

So lost in my own feelings that I couldn’t tell what was her and what was me. I don’t even remember exactly how we got home. Just that we stopped at every street to kiss. At every crosswalk, at every stoplight. I was anxious. Impatient. Unable to let her go. I didn’t when I opened the door. I didn’t when I took off her clothes in the hall, leaving a trail of clothing behind us.

We fell into bed. Her legs wrapped around my hips, I held her hands over her head, and I stared into her eyes. She was so beautiful. Her body locked beneath mine, skin to skin.

“But you said…”

“Rhys, just do it,” she moaned.

“That thing about making it impossible to…”

“Please,” she whispered.