Page 99 of All That We Are Together

“I need time.”

After a tense silence, he said, “I’ll give you half an hour to calm down, and then we’ll talk about this once and for all. But if you don’t open the door when I’m back, I promise you I’ll knock it down.”

I remained curled up on the floor with the murmur of running water in the background. It was as if Axel had torn open the wounds I’d been sewing closed and trying to let heal for so long. But the wounds were infested. With him. With me. With us.

I slowly stripped off my clothes. One garment, one layer at a time. My phone had been in my coat; it fell to the floor. I stood there looking at it for a few moments, trying to decide what to do. When I crouched to pick it up, sucking in a breath, tears burning my cheeks, I looked for his name in my contacts. Three words—no more—but it took me an eternity to write them and even longer to send this message to Landon:Don’t wait for me.

Just that. NoI love you, noI’m sorry,I needed it to be blunt, I needed him to listen. I knew him well enough to realize he would be waiting on me regardless of the conversation we’d had before I left. And I didn’t want him to. Maybe in a certain selfish way I did, but as I sank into the bathtub full of hot water, I realized I’d never be able to love him the way he deserved, crazily, full-heartedly, and I wanted another person to have the chance to do it. I didn’t even have the feeling I’d lost him since Axel formed part of the equation. Somehow I realized that I’d lost him even before we’d started, because I never gave him the most visceral, impulsive aspects of myself; I never yielded to him or threw myself into his arms with my eyes closed.

I breathed in deep and dunked my head under the water. From below the surface, the world seemed to make more sense, even if it was muddled, agitated, opaque. I came back up and filled my lungs with air. Everything was silent, and I stared at my legs and thought how just a few minutes before, they were wrapped around Axel’s body as he sank inside me over and over… All I felt in that instant was him, him everywhere; I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t stop it; I still belonged to him deep down.

I didn’t ask myself if I’d fallen in love with him again. I askedmyself if I’d ever stopped loving him. And I was so afraid of the answer…

Of being so weak. Of giving up control again. Of falling.

I didn’t like being fragile, unable to resist.

I got out of the tub when I couldn’t cry anymore. I threw on a white robe and rubbed the steam off the mirror over the sink with the back of my hand. I saw my reflection. A reflection that frightened me, because it looked too much like the girl I’d been years before. I was the same. So much so that it was as if I’d been afraid to change and get lost in that unforeseen change. And I needed that now, to get lost and find myself again.

I grabbed the scissors out of the top drawer, smoothed out a lock between my index and middle fingers, and cut, dropping the hair in the sink and doing it all over again.

Axel knocked at the door.

“Open up, Leah.” I didn’t answer. I snipped again. “Open up or I’ll knock it down.”

Maybe because I knew he was capable of it, I dropped the scissors, opened the door, and let him in, even though I still wasn’t ready for that conversation. Problem was, I probably never would be.

“What are you doing, Leah?” Axel asked, looking at my uneven hair. “I don’t want you to run away from me; I can’t deal with it…”

He came over and I didn’t stop him. I closed my eyes when he cradled my cheek in his palm and his lips grazed my forehead. So familiar. So warm. His thumb traced out circles on my skin and his deep, hoarse voice shook me, awakened me:

“Let’s try again.”

“It’s not that simple, Axel.”

“Why not? Look at me, babe.”

And one by one, every crack split open.

“Because you ruined everything! You ruined me!”

I stepped back, trembling, unable to look at him.

“Let me fix it, Leah.”

“Do you even know how?”

“All I know is that we love each other.”

I looked up at him, his face full of uncertainty, his lips still red from my kisses, his neck with my teeth marks on its surface, his eyes deep blue like the sea, his hair looking gilded by sunlight, and his gaze that made me feel so transparent, so vulnerable…

“Axel, you’re…you’re the past.”

“Well, the past is right fucking here, babe, in front of you, trying to be your present. And that past knows he made the worst mistake of his goddamn life the day he let you go, and he’s going to fight to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.” He grabbed my chin and pulled it up to make me look at him. “Babe, I know I screwed up, bad, but give me another chance.”

“Don’t do this to me,” I sobbed.

“Leah, please. When you left…”