Page 92 of All That We Are Together

I was so scared of falling into temptation. Of curiosity getting the best of me.

82

Axel

It was like a slow, painful torture, having to see her all the time. I wanted to reach her, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to be able to say or do something that wouldn’t fuck the whole thing up even worse. I wanted her to trust me. And all I did was make mistakes, over and over again.

That night, when I saw her coming down from the studio, I couldn’t help but notice the bags under her eyes.

“Bad day?”

“Not really, to tell the truth.”

“You want me to go to the place downstairs and grab some Chinese for dinner?”

“Fine.”

I didn’t hide how much her response surprised me. I should have gotten used to how odd Leah was by then, but I couldn’t. Sometimes she looked at me as if I were the center of the world. Other times, hatred and disappointment filled her stare. I asked myself how she could stand living with me around when herfeelings were so contrary and extreme, when she barely knew how to manage the simplest situations.

I went outside and returned a bit later with a bag of food, which I left on the table in front of the sofa while she grabbed glasses and napkins. I passed her some chopsticks before opening the boxes. Leah tried her noodles absentmindedly, sitting on the rug with her knees pulled up to her chest, and I did the same, settling in beside her. We both were staring at each other out of the corner of our eyes. And her stare said so much to me…

“Don’t cry, please,” I begged.

“I hate this. I hate being like this. I hate hating you.”

“Then don’t do it,” I replied, almost implored.

“I’ve tried, I swear…”

I leaned my head back into the sofa. “One of these days, we’re going to have to talk for real.”

“You think that’s going to fix everything?”

“No, but I need it. And the only reason I still haven’t done it is I’m trying to think about what you need.” When she pursed her lips, I guessed at what she was thinking. “You’re going to tell me it’s a little late for that?”

“Why do you have to know me so well?”

“Because I was there when you were born, jeez. Not literally, thank God. But I’ve got a few years on you.”

She smiled weakly as she twisted noodles around her chopsticks, dropped them, and started over. We were so close that we were breathing the same air, and I had to remind myself that kissing her wasn’t the best idea.

“Axel, it scares me… Everything I feel scares me, everything I’ve kept inside all these years, the ugliness… You know I’m not good at channeling my emotions; that’s a problem I have, and I feel like if I open the door, I’ll hurt you.”

“I can take it,” I whispered.

“But I love you.”

I trembled, and I wished she had said, “We all live in a yellow submarine,” because that phrase was ours alone and was the special way we loved each other.

She continued. “I thought with time those feelings would abate, and you and I could be friends, but I’m not even sure of that. Because it still hurts. And it’s still complicated. And I still don’t understand what I’m thinking half the time…”

“Breathe, babe.” I ran my knuckles across her cheeks, and she closed her eyes in response and inhaled deeply. It was enough for me to feel I had her there beside me and that a part of her wanted to stay there with me, because that meant, or I hoped it meant, that there was at least still something left. I asked myself if that might be enough, if I could be happy with her just being a part of my life, but the hole in my chest grew, and I cast that idea aside.

I got up when I was done to take the empty boxes to the trash. I made some tea, opened the living room window, and leaned on the sill before lighting a cigarette.

“What’s going on up there?” I nodded toward her studio.

“What’s not going on up there, you mean,” she corrected me. “Nothing at all.”