Page 7 of All That We Are Together

My stomach quivered when I heard his name. I wish I could say I hadn’t reacted, that I was indifferent to those four letters, I wish…

“Why are you telling me this?”

“It’s the right thing to do, Leah. I don’t want us to ever lie to each other. I wasn’t planning to do it, but after I saw the Nguyens the other day, I just drove to his house without even thinking about it. Or no. I did think about it. Because since I got engaged to Bega, I can’t stop thinking about it, about who should be my best man, and I…goddammit. They were as close to us as our own parents were, Leah.”

“Let it go, Oliver. It’s fine.”

He looked at me with gratitude. I understood. I really did.

I knew how important Axel had been for my brother, and there was no way I would stand between them if there was stillsomething left for them to salvage… But that didn’t mean it hurt any less. It hurt throughout our meal, even though we never mentioned it again. And it hurt later as I was walking down the street. The pain only faded when I reached Landon’s apartment and he took me in his arms. Safety. Free from everything else.

Since that time, we had turned into something more.

I wasn’t sure what thatmoremeant, and I didn’t feel ready to look too deeply into it. We weren’t a couple, but we weren’t just friends either. Landon tried several times to get me to talk about it, but I asked him for time.

7

Axel

A light rain was falling when she appeared.

I snuffed out my cigarette and crouched in front of her. She was skinny, and she was struggling to breathe. I hadn’t seen her for weeks. She laid on the porch, and I stroked her back gently. She whimpered, as if it hurt.

“What is it, pretty girl?”

The cat’s eyes were half-closed.

I don’t know how or why, but I understood her.

I understood she’d come to die with me, to spend the last minutes of her life in the shelter of my arms. My eyes stung when I thought of loneliness and how raw it can sometimes be. I sat on the ground, leaning back against one of the wooden posts, and stretched her out across my lap. I stroked her slowly, calming her, accompanying her until her breathing became less and less audible, as if she were falling asleep.

That’s what I wanted to think. That her death was just a tranquil sleep.

I stayed there a while, watching it rain, staring at the duskysky on that warm evening. I got up when there was nothing left of the sun but glimmers. I went inside and looked in the closet with the tools until I found a small shovel.

I dug and dug, making a far deeper hole than necessary. For some reason, I couldn’t stop myself until morning. I was covered in mud. I buried her there with a knot in my throat, then I filled the dirt back in.

I went back inside, got in the shower, and closed my eyes.

I put a hand on my chest.

I still couldn’t breathe.

8

Axel

“You look rough,” Justin said, concerned.

“I didn’t sleep much. My cat decided she’d rather die with me than do it alone.”

“It’s funny that the first time you call her yours is now when she’s no longer here,” my brother said as he dried a couple of glasses.

I sighed, finished the tea I’d ordered, and waved as I left the café. I walked to the gallery and killed time looking at the paintings on the wall and thinking about the secrets hidden behind each brushstroke, about how each painting represented thoughts, emotions, something human left behind on canvas for eternity. I asked myself why I’d never been able to do that. To make something. To paint. To leave parts of myself on the canvas.

“You’re early today.” Sam smiled at me.

“Let me help you.” I grabbed two bags from her hands and accompanied her to her office.