Page 60 of All That We Are Together
How far away it seemed, and how close at the same time.
I took a long drink. In the background, “Too Young to Burn” by Sonny & the Sunsets was playing, and the night owls were laughing and trying to dance in the middle of the bar while farther off, some people were taking a late-night dip.
“If you tell me what you’re thinking, I’ll buy the next round,” Axel said.
“Trying to make me an offer I can’t refuse? Nah, I’m not having another.”
I stirred my ice and sucked up the dregs of my mojito through a straw. Axel leaned on the bar and gave me one of those twisted smiles I remembered so well, the ones that turned my world upside down.
“Remind me which of us has ten years on the other?” he joked.
“How about you remind me which of us is still just a big baby?”
He laughed. He was wearing a loose blue shirt with the first few buttons undone. The warm wind disheveled his hair. He still had that same captivating look that attracted me and frightened me in equal measure.
I ordered another. I don’t know why I changed my mind. He did the same, and we clinked glasses.
“For successes to come,” he said, and I smiled and drank, keeping my eyes on him the whole time.
“So it’s one of two things,” he said. “Either I’m incredibly attractive or you’re studying the best way to finish me off and hide my body.”
“It’s obviously the second.”
“I should have guessed.” He set his glass on the bar.
“Really, though,” I said, turning serious and a little timid, “there’s something I’ve been thinking about for days… I don’t think I thanked you yet for everything you’ve done for me.”
“You have, Leah, and anyway, there’s no need.”
“Let me finish. You did it unselfishly. You let me into yourhome. You took care of me. You got me to feel again, to paint, to live. Only you and I know what happened during those months, and I don’t care what anyone else thinks, because they’ll never understand it. So thank you. Because you were generous. A friend. Family.”
His eyes were a stormy sea full of feelings I couldn’t really read. He looked moved, anxious, agitated. He licked his lips and froze for a moment before saying:
“But you still haven’t forgiven me…”
“Don’t confuse one thing with another.”
It was almost a plea. Because I wanted to keep the good. His generosity. His loyalty. His sensibility. But if I thought of the Axel who used to make love to me, I saw other things. His cowardice. His selfishness. His weakness. His fears. His harsh words.
He knew neither of us wanted to go down that road, because he changed the subject right away, ordered two more drinks despite my protests, and hid himself again behind that crooked smile.
51
Axel
Leah talked to me about her classes—just one more, plus a final project she’d work on next semester—about her uncertainty as to what to do afterward, the vacations she’d spent with Oliver and Bega the past few summers, the new drawing techniques she’d tried…
I listened rapt, following the movement of her lips as we drank our way deeper into the morning. At my insistence, we had one last drink, a red strawberry something, because that flavor always reminded me of her. She smiled when I whispered this into her ear.
“Payphone” by Maroon 5 started playing, and I got up.
“Dance with me.” I stretched out my hand.
“No,” she said and chuckled. “I’ve had too much to drink.”
“Come on, I won’t drop you. I’ll hold on tight.”
She laughed again and pushed me away when I tried to show her how tight I could hold her. She knew it was just an excuse to have her close. She grabbed my hand and jerked me out to the middle of the dance floor. She’d kept her shoes off. I wasbarefoot too. Her feet were close to mine, and I gawked at her like an imbecile thinking of everything she’d told me about her life in Brisbane.