Page 26 of All That We Are Together
I lost sight of him when I called Emily, who immediately asked me what kind of trouble I’d gotten her husband into. I ended up telling her the truth.
“Well, he could probably use a bit of fun,” she replied.
“Did anyone ever tell you you’re incredible?”
“Don’t kiss up to me, Axel; we know each other.”
“I can’t help it.”
We agreed it was best if the twins didn’t see him like that. I went back to find him and pulled him away from the group. Justin protested, but finally gave in as I was pushing him out the door. We walked to my house on a dirt path. Justin was stumbling, shouting out whatever passed through his head, and leaning on my shoulder every time he needed to catch his breath. When we stepped into my house, he flopped inert on my sofa, and I thought of how long it had been since I’d enjoyed myself like that. Who’d have told me years ago I’d have fun partying with my brother? I went outside, lay on the wood floor of the porch, and lit a cigarette. It was almost morning, and all I could think about was how bad I wanted to see her. I contemplated the smoke undulating against the starry sky, asked myself what Leah might be doing then, and forced myself to stop when I imagined her in the arms of another guy, wrapped up in the sheets, because it hurt, it just hurt too much…
“What are you doing?”
I turned my head as Justin lay down beside me. “Nothing. Thinking. How are you?” I ask him.
“Relaxed.”
I tried not to laugh. “What are you thinking about?”
“Her…”
“You used to be different.”
“Yeah.”
“Or maybe you were always like this, but you needed the right person to bring it out of you. But that doesn’t make any sense, because she was always there, even if…”
“Don’t overthink it.”
We just laid there in silence for a while, until I took my phone out and looked for her number in my contacts.
“What are you doing?” Justin asked.
“I’m going to send her a message.”
“What kind of message?”
“One that says if she doesn’t answer and we don’t meet to sign the contract, I’m going to take the liberty of surprising her one day at her dorm.”
“You sure that’s a good idea?”
“No, but she’s not leaving me with other options.”
I hit the send button and looked back up at the stars, which seemed to tremble. It wasn’t the first time I felt I needed to push Leah, to tighten the screws, and I knew if I didn’t, she’d run away. And that scared me so much…
I’d already been through this once, and I wasn’t about to repeat the experience and let her get away again. Seeing her hadmade me relive everything vividly, as if the memories had remained dormant until then. I hadn’t had contact with Leah for three years, and all of the sudden, the idea of not hearing from her for a week was intolerable. And there was no going back now.
28
Leah
My phone buzzed. I put aside my paintbrush and trembled when I saw his name on the screen. Then I read the message, the implicit threat in those words that seemed idle, but weren’t.
It was a Friday night, and I was still up in the attic painting something I wouldn’t know how to name, uncertain lines, an explosion of intense colors, a scream contained in a canvas. I weighed my options, because a part of me refused to allow Axel to burst into my new life, and I knew, when I signed those papers, he would be there, and there’d be nothing I could do about it.
But I also couldn’t turn back now…
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