Page 131 of All That We Are Together

Oliver helped me hold it as we lowered it from the nail. We went outside cackling and thinking how happy Douglas would be if he could see us just then. I waited for Oliver to turn around one last time in the weed-ridden yard to say goodbye. Then we tossed the painting to my father and jumped over the wall.

We got into the car. The silence was comforting.

“This was worth it,” Oliver said, grinning.

I smiled, too, and stepped on the gas.

126

Leah

Those next few days, I thought a lot about that conversation with my brother. About the idea of wanting something but not needing it. When I digested that, when I realized that I was doing exactly that by taking things with Axel one step at a time, I enjoyed my solitude more, my walks at evening with my headphones on, listening to music, thinking of Axel, thinking of anusthat was getting closer and closer.

And the less I needed him…

…the more I wanted him.

I savored his absence. Weighed it. Missed him deep inside.

I learned to feel happy with what I had. I learned to get up every morning in a good mood, hard as that was. I learned to enjoy every breakfast at the café on the corner while I picked apart my strawberry muffin with my fingers and looked out the window at the people passing by on the sidewalk. I learned to enjoy each day I spent in the attic with my brushes and the dust that blew in through the window and shone in the sun in the afternoon. I learned that success and failure go hand in hand and that youcan’t separate them no matter how hard you try. I learned to go to bed at night without crying, with a tingling feeling in my stomach that reminded me of how I felt when he touched me, when his lips covered mine, when he whispered in my ear with his gravelly voice…him, just him.

And I felt a tingling in my fingers, too, and it told me to paint, to feel again that painting was all I wanted to do, to enjoy the vibration in every brushstroke without thinking of fate or what other people would think of my work.

And a smile started dancing on my lips.

127

Leah

Every morning I got up and I was closer and closer to Axel. To understanding him. I finally realized that sometimes the distance between holding on to someone and pushing them away is so short it can be hard to find, because we fear what we love: fragility, necessity.

I realized it had been so long since I’d forgiven him that I no longer remembered what it felt like to be angry with him, what I remembered was being angry with myself, but as the days passed, my rage and disappointment faded away, and the few crumbs left of them couldn’t touch me, I was walking away from them fast now, surer of myself.

A week before I had to empty out the attic and leave it forever, I found myself walking to a totally different destination. I was listening to music and strolling aimlessly when I arrived in front of a door. I’d been in Brisbane almost a month, but I’d avoided going near it.

I sucked in a big breath and thought. I don’t know how long I stayed there, looking at my own reflection in the glass, but whena neighbor came out with a dog on a leash, and I held the door open for him, I didn’t let it slam shut. I went inside. I climbed the stairs. I rang the doorbell even though my pulse was racing out of control.

Landon opened up and blinked several times, as if he couldn’t believe it.

“Leah…” His voice made me smile.

“I’m sorry I showed up without calling, but…”

“Landon?” A girl called his name.

He turned around and said something I couldn’t hear.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to bother you…”

“You’re not being a bother, come on in.” Landon grabbed my arm before I could walk off and took me into the kitchen.

A brown-haired girl with a ponytail gave me a surprised look before putting aside a blender with what looked like juice in it.

“Sarah, this is Leah.”

“Nice to meet you.” She smiled.

“Same. You need help?”