Page 128 of All That We Are Together

Time started to pass more and more quickly.

And as the days went by, I coated everything in color.

124

Leah

I was tempted to change my ticket and get one to Sydney. I imagined how nice it would be to find my brother waiting for me at the terminal in the airport. I could hug him as tight as possible and soak in his warmth and his familiar scent. Then we’d stop at some fast-food place and catch up over a meal. We could go to his apartment, and I could stay a few days full of smiles and good conversation with him and Bega.

It would have been nice. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t change my ticket.

I needed to learn not to throw myself in someone else’s arms every time life put something in my way. For once, I wanted to hug myself.

So I reached Brisbane one afternoon at the beginning of July when it just wouldn’t stop raining. I’d spent four months away from Australia, but it felt like half a lifetime. Soaked, dragging my suitcase, I climbed into the bus and looked out the window at the streets I’d walked for three years now. It wasn’t until then that I realized that I’d been stagnant there, stillhidden in my shell, carrying around a burden of reproaches, bitterness, and fear.

My dorm room was just as I had left it. I opened the windows to let in a little fresh air and took out my clothes to hang them in the closet. I felt strange because all of a sudden, I got the feeling Axel was right there with me, even though he was so far away…

I asked myself what he was doing just then and smiled as I imagined him barefoot in his stretch of sea, sand clinging to his skin, the soft winter sun glistening on the fringes of his hair. Himself again, just as I’d always liked him. Unique.

I called Oliver to let him know I’d made it in okay.

“I’m glad to have you back home,” he said.

“We’ve got too manyhomes,” I replied.

“And none of them where they need to be.”

“Someday, maybe, someday…”

“What are you going to do now?”

“It’s still early. I’ll go to the studio; I need to get some things I left there. I need to take advantage of the time, because my grant is over in a month. Hold on just a second, Oliver, someone’s knocking on my door.”

I lowered the telephone after asking who was there and not getting an answer. What I saw then confused me so much I stood there blinking and trying to make sense of it. My brother smiled, walked in, and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe.

“I wanted to get you at the airport, but I didn’t get here on time,” he said, backing away and rubbing the top of my head. “I like the do, pixie. You look gorgeous.” He hugged me again.

“What the…? How…? What are you doing here?”

“I was on my way to Byron Bay, so I waited for you to come back so I could work the dates out. I’m leaving early tomorrow, but we can spend all day together.”

He helped me put away some things, and once my suitcases were empty, we took a walk through town and sat on a bench just as it started getting dark out. I tugged at the sleeves of my thin sweatshirt and tried to be straight with Oliver, but it wasn’t easy.

“I know I made a mistake, that I let my emotions cloud my mind, but at the same time, I think I needed some time away from him. I miss him so much it hurts, but I had to learn to be alone by myself. You’re going to laugh. Or maybe get mad, I don’t know. But you showing up here…it made me feel small. Because I was tempted to go see you in Sydney, and I didn’t because I wanted to prove to myself I could handle coming here and not needing someone to hug me right away.”

Oliver’s forehead creased and he shook his head.

“Don’t do that. Don’t just go from one extreme to the other. I get what you’re saying, and I agree that it’s good for you to learn to solve your problems without always relying on other people, but sometimes you do have to rely on other people, Leah. You don’t have to do everything alone. I’m your brother, and any time you need me to lend you a hand, I’m there. That’s what relationships are, giving and receiving. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah, but it is dangerous.”

“Not if you look at it the right way. I mean, I don’t need Bega to live, let alone Axel or the Nguyens. I lived without all of them for years, and look at me: I’m still here. I managed to solve my problems on my own, even if I might have liked a little help. Butwanting help isn’t the same thing as being dependent. I don’t need them, but I want them in my life. That’s a choice. You didn’t need to see me today, but here I am, and I hope you’re glad I came.”

I hugged him, smiling, and decided to try and enjoy his company for the hours we had left together. I invited him to dinner, telling him I’d pay. I had a little savings left, and I used it, despite how much he complained and flirted with the waitress to try and get her to take his money. When I got my change, he gave me a dirty look.

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“Why are you?”