Page 124 of All That We Are Together
“What is all this, Mom?” I complained.
“Soup. And fruit. Vegetables. Actual food, Axel,” she said, opening the refrigerator and looking at what little was on the shelves. “How long has it been since you’ve eaten right? You’re so skinny. You look like a castaway. Go shave or I’ll wind up shaving you myself, and I warn you, I don’t have a steady hand. Or patience, while we’re on the subject. What are you doing just standing there?”
“Mom, I’m not in a good mood.”
“Do what I say,” she responded.
I rolled my eyes, turned around, and went to the bathroom. After I finished with the razor, I looked at myself for a few seconds in the mirror, asking myself who I was, what was left of all I thought I was before Leah changed before my eyes. Not in a bad way. It’s just that some people come into your life and stir up everything, open the drawers you stuff your fears inside, and force you to be better, more human, more real.
I heard a series of knocks on the door.
“How long are you planning on being?”
I opened the door and scowled at her.
“Dammit, Mom. Give me some room to breathe.”
“You’ve had too much room to breathe these past few years. It’s my fault for not realizing it, but you know, we all have our burdens to bear. Wrap it up and go sit down; lunch is ready.”
I flopped down on the sofa and grabbed the bowl of instant soup she passed me. She settled down on the chair in front of me, picked up her spoon, and started eating. I grinned at her.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head.
“Tell me or I’ll come back tomorrow.”
That was a threat, no two ways about it.
“It just makes me laugh when I think about how you’re the only person in the city, probably, who buys this soup that tastes like… I mean, I don’t know what it tastes like, that’s the problem. What’s your obsession with it? I remember…” I got a knot in mythroat, but I forced myself to keep talking. “I remember Leah used to laugh every time you bought groceries.”
“I should have realized how much you loved her back then, but it never passed through my mind. I couldn’t even see what was right in front of me.”
“Same here,” I said and laughed.
I laughed because life was goddamn ironic, wasn’t it? Someone you’ve barely even noticed has been after you for years, and then the tables turn and you’re in love. Chasing after her. Wishing she’d remember you were here and would decide to come back one day.
“She’ll come back, Axel,” she said, seeming not quite sure of herself. This was the first time my mother had ever talked about anything serious on her own with me. “She’ll definitely come back.”
I followed her to the kitchen and rinsed the plates after she soaped them up and passed them to me. I was tense, waiting for her to tell me something I needed to know even though she really couldn’t. No one could. No one but Leah.
“What makes you so sure?”
“Because she is who she is, son. This is her place. But sometimes you can’t find yourself even inside yourself, and Leah has been through too much these past few years. She’s a little lost. We don’t always walk in a straight line, sometimes we go in circles, and it’s hard to know it if you’re looking straight ahead the whole time, you know? It’s a matter of perspective. If she could see herself from above, she’d understand.”
“I think I need a smoke.”
I went out on the porch and stayed there thinking about what my mother had said. She was right. The problem was, I wasfrustrated I couldn’t help Leah see things the right way, even if a part of me was starting to realize she had to do it on her own. That she had to get to know herself. Figure out what she really wanted. Learn to get up every time she fell. Experience solitude on her own, nostalgia, the burden of sometimes being wrong.
“Put on something decent,” my mother said from behind me.
“Decent? What now?”
“This afternoon, there’s a flea market, and we’re meeting your brother, Emily, and your father there soon. So don’t drag your feet either. The twins want to see you, and I told them you’ll be there. Why don’t you try out that shirt I gave you for Christmas?”
“Mom, I’m not wearing a button-down.”
“If you keep grimacing like that, you’re going to get wrinkles.”