Page 110 of All That We Are Together
“This had to happen someday, okay? Better now than later.You’ll get past it, just like you’ve gotten past so many things. There are people who will pay money for your pictures and others who don’t feel anything when they see them, but the important thing is how you feel, get it? You need to be happy with your work. Don’t ever show a piece unless you’re proud of it; otherwise if someone criticizes you, it really will hurt. And then we’ll go back home and we’ll do things our way. You can paint on the porch or in your attic, wherever you want. We’ll go to little fairs, places where you really want to be.”
“Do you regret this trip?”
“No. It’s pushed you forward, plus you’ve got the credits you needed. So what? You got your first negative criticism today; that means you’ve gotten someone interested, plus you’ve got more experience, and that will help you understand what you want. Tell me you don’t agree…”
She nodded, but she said nothing.
And I felt a strange pressure in my chest…
100
Leah
Hans’s house was like something from another era, with its classic wood furniture, its high ceilings, and the wallpaper on the walls. As I walked toward the dining room, I looked down at my own feet and at the carpet that covered the floors of all the rooms. The table was already set before our arrival. Hans had invited us to dinner with William, Scarlett, and three American friends who ran a gallery in New York and had just arrived in Paris.
“Have a seat,” he said with a smile, pointing at the table.
We got comfortable, and Scarlett, who was in front of me, winked before turning to the server and asking her if she could have a glass of white wine instead of red. Afterward, Hans introduced us to Tom, Ryder, and Michael.
We started with duck confit, but Axel, who couldn’t eat it, proceeded directly to the second course, a vichyssoise. I could see that, despite everything, he was trying to pretend that nothing pleased him more than a formal dinner on a Friday night. He could be charming when he tried, and he soon had everyone laughing athis jokes, and Hans was clearly pleased that he was livening up the evening. I tried not to think about how nervous I was sitting by him knowing that he must have hated every second of the situation. But I couldn’t blame him.
“You’re very quiet tonight, Leah. Is something wrong?” Scarlett pinned me in that direct gaze that always made me so uncomfortable. “Surely you didn’t read the article in that magazine… What’s it called, William?” she asked her husband.
“It’s an English website. You approved their press credentials.”
“Indeed. I’ll be speaking with them.” She drummed her fingers on the table. “Hans and I were talking about it the other day. It was unnecessarily cruel. But there’s a positive side to it, we were thinking. Tell her, Hans.”
I could feel Axel’s hand touching mine under the table, and that little gesture calmed me down in that tense moment. I hated being the center of attention, I hated the food that was upsetting my stomach, and I hated that silence before Hans started speaking.
“We were thinking it could be beneficial for your career to focus on certain things.”
“Like…?” Axel interrupted.
“Her work is so scattered,” Scarlett explained. “She’s good, and she could eventually be great, but right now, the market is looking for something very concrete. More modern, bolder. We’d like to make a deal for a series of pieces with a specific character. With a couple of large-format ones.”
“A series of works? We’re leaving in two weeks,” Axel said.
“Not if you’ve thought about my offer.”
When he realized what she meant, Axel let go of my hand. Ihadn’t said a word; I felt like something was stuck in my throat, and I wasn’t sure if I even could. I knew I should have told him, that he never should have found out…about something like that from another person. Doubt and guilt assailed me, but I managed to pull myself together.
“Could we talk about this another time?” I asked.
“Of course. Let’s enjoy our dinner,” Hans said, before looking over at Axel. “How did you find the vichyssoise?”
“Delicious,” Axel replied bluntly, and I doubt I was the only one who could sense the hardness in his voice, even if everyone decided to ignore it.
The rest of the evening consisted of people telling entertaining stories while I sat there silently and nodded and tried to look enthusiastic. When it came time to leave and we stood up, I said I needed to powder my nose before going to get my coat. I wasted a little time washing my hands and looking at my reflection in that oval mirror that must have cost a fortune, while I asked myself who was that girl it reflected back at me and Scarlett’s words echoed in my head:She’s good, and she could eventually be great. It was a compliment and a snub all at once: bitter and sweet.
I was still saying bye to everyone as Axel stepped into the elevator. He held the door open for me and pushed the button without looking over. I wanted to say something, something that would make him understand, but I didn’t know what, because I didn’t even know what I was thinking.
It was cold as we took off walking.
When I felt brave enough, I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t sayanything to you before. But I didn’t know… I couldn’t find the right moment.”
“The right moment? We fucking live together, Leah.”
Axel stopped in the middle of the street, looking anxious, hand on the back of his neck.