Page 106 of All That We Are Together

I tried to ignore the feeling in my lower body. “Not quite.”

“Come on, babe. I saidsleep together. That’s all I mean. Sleeping beside you. I swear.”

“Maybe next time. Good night.”

“It won’t be any good without you,” he grumbled.

I tried to play it cool and walked to my bedroom, putting on my cotton pajamas. As I lay there, I looked at the ceiling remembering the night we’d spent together. When we were good, it was just like that with him: simple, fun, comfortable, easy, exciting, and different from being with anyone else. I sighed and turned to one side. A little while later, I turned to the other. A half hourlater, I realized I couldn’t sleep, at least not until I stopped thinking about how close his room was to mine and stopped hearing his deep voice asking for us to sleep together…

I don’t know what time it was when I finally got out of bed.

I tiptoed to his room and went inside without knocking. My legs were shaking as I walked slowly over to his bed and crawled in next to him. I held my breath as he wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled me into his chest. I closed my eyes. I could feel him exhaling softly against my neck, and I concentrated on that soothing sound until I fell asleep in the shelter of his arms.

94

Axel

Leah wasn’t home when I got back from grocery shopping. As I was putting things away in the fridge, I remembered she had to meet that day with Scarlett and a group of artists to talk about an exhibition that weekend at a small gallery. I don’t know why, but I climbed the stairs to her studio to take a look at what she’d been working on. She’d seemed so stressed during the early weeks that I’d tried to give her space, let her be creative without any unnecessary interruptions.

Her latest piece was different, but I liked it. An empty street in Paris, with the roofs and cornices of the homes melting as if they were made of water, and snow all around, marking a contrast to that feeling of warmth and fluidity.

I was making dinner when she arrived home. She put down her notebooks and her portfolio before coming into the kitchen and sitting on a stool while I stood there chopping vegetables. I asked her how her day had been.

“Amazing,” she responded. “The gallery’s different, more authentic, you know? I’m really excited to be exhibiting there.It’s just one painting, but I think it will stick out because all the other artists are doing more modern stuff. Scarlett says important people are going to be passing through there checking out the latest work to see if anyone’s got potential. Come here, I want you to see the one I’ll be showing.”

“I already went up there.”

“So…what did you think?” She looked nervous.

“It’s good. Chaotic. It speaks to me.”

95

Leah

That morning, Axel woke up with a headache, and after much pleading, he listened to me, took a pill, and laid back down for a while. So I went to Montmartre by myself for the first time, feeling aware of every step I took, asking me if they went in any concrete direction, if they were like the strokes of my paintbrush that always led me to the finished work of art. But this time, I didn’t know where I wanted to go. Part of me felt a tingle of pride every time Scarlett told me I could go far, if only I’d let her guide me. But another part of me wanted nothing more than to go home, put on a record at dusk, and paint barefoot on the porch while the sky turned that red color that always reminded me of Axel.

It was so contradictory…

I sat on the steps while the city awoke, and thought how, if I really knew where I wanted to go, I wouldn’t always feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.

I toyed with my phone a while before finally deciding to call him. Landon responded on the fourth ring. After a cordial hello, there was a silence I hurried to fill up.

“I, uh, I just wanted to know how you were.”

“Fine. Just finishing my senior project.”

Landon hadn’t responded to the text I’d sent him a few days before. Not that I’d expected him to. I’d been thinking a lot about him ever since, about us, about how things happened. Putting that tangle of feelings in order—even if it was my fault they were that way—hadn’t been easy, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t worth trying. And I’d never do that if I didn’t put things right with Landon.

“I’m really sorry.” I could barely get the words out.

“Don’t do this, Leah. We already talked about this before you left. We need to be clear with each other.”

“I just keep thinking that none of this has been fair to you. It’s not about Axel, I promise. It’s about me. I shouldn’t have tied you down for so long just because I needed you and I wasn’t able to let you walk away.”

“We both needed each other, Leah.”

“That’s not true.” I closed my eyes.