Page 102 of All That We Are Together

I said nothing, but just because I was busy trying to convince myself the Axel I had in front of me was the same Axel as always. The boy who’d never gotten serious with anyone, who’d spent half his life staring at his own belly button, who had certainly never imagined himself doing something so ridiculously romantic yet so perfect. I blinked to hold back the tears as I thought how complex we human beings are, me first of all, with our ironclad ideas that wind up crumbling on some random night, with all the ways we can shape ourselves and change and go backward or forward.

“You want to go on a date with me?” I ask.

Axel smiled and leaned down to see me closer.

“Yeah, I do. That’s not so weird.”

“It’s a completely disastrous idea.”

“I love disasters as long as they’re with you.”

Then, for the first time in all those years, I stood on tiptoe and pulled on his jacket so he’d come closer to me and I could kiss him. It was a pretty kiss, with no rage and no pain behind it. One of those kisses that reflect nothing but the present, without promises for the future or resentment from the past. A kiss that made me want to cry and laugh all at the same time.

April

_____

(SPRING, PARIS)

90

Axel

A date. I was going to have a date. I didn’t even remember what those were like. The only time I’d ever done anything similar was in high school, when I invited the girl I liked out to dinner, but all I wanted then was for us to get it on in the back seat of my car before I took her home. Or there was that time in my last year of college when I was fooling around with a professor, and my intuition told me rightly that all it would take was a little conversation to get her back to my apartment.

But I didn’t want anything to go anywhere back then.

I mean, I’d wanted to have sex with Leah again, but in a way, that impulse covered up something else. How I wanted her to enjoy something she couldn’t have three years ago: freedom, walks down the street holding hands, kissing in any doorway we wished. I wanted…I don’t know, I wanted so many things, and it made me nervous and overwhelmed, and at the same time, I wanted to go for it, no holding back.

I leaned on the windowsill in the living room and turned on my phone while I was smoking a cigarette. I had messages fromJustin, a call from my parents, and some work stuff, but I ignored all of it, looking for Oliver’s number in my contacts. I phoned him, and he picked up on the third ring.

We talked about life without going into much detail beyond the exhibition and the progress Leah was making.

“I still can’t believe you’re holding up so long out there. You, in a big city, with no sea. You live and you learn, I guess. So Leah’s good? She’s happy?”

“I think so. I sure hope so.”

“Take care of her, all right? I mean it this time.”

I tried not to smile as I took another drag of my cigarette.

“Actually, I was calling you to tell you I have a date with her tonight. You were right; I was a bad friend, I lied to you, I screwed you over, so I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve realized I owe it to you to tell you everything. So I need to go a few days back, to when I kissed her and, even though the stairs weren’t the best place for it, we wound up doing it…”

“Jesus, Axel, can it! For God’s sake…”

“You want me to filter the story for you?”

“Yes, filter it. Knowing you’re going out with her tonight and you’re serious is fine; just don’t hurt her and we’re good. Okay?”

“Okay. Then that’s everything.”

“You’re an idiot.” He started laughing. “I’ve gotta go; Bega’s waiting for me. We’ve got another twenty wedding catalogs to go through together. Imagine the fun.”

“Be strong, brother,” I said with a chuckle and hung up.

91

Leah