Page 123 of Hollow Court
But I also saw the woman who had risked her life to make her own choice, to walk away from her uncle and her betrothed. She had fought for her right to walk alone into the tunnels and had done so with her shoulders back and her head high.
And she was still here.
Despite our estrangement for weeks, she hadn’t left. She hadn’t taken the out that I had given her to secure a betrothal sooner with someone else. She had stood by my side, even on the days she hated me, helping with this mess I was in. That my people were in.
No. She wasn’t the same.
And I thought perhaps I hadn’t given her the choices I should have, then or now.
I sure as hell hadn’t given her the honesty I should have. That, at least, I could rectify.
“You were right, you know,” I finally said, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room.
“Obviously,” she joked, curling her feet up underneath her on the chair. “But do go on…”
“About why I didn’t tell you the truth,” I said, settling into the chair.
The smile faded from her lips, but she didn’t look away.
“Iwasworried about Rowan,” I continued. “And terrified of doing anything that might hurt her. By the time I realized I could trust you, though, I wasn’t ready for what telling you might mean.”
There was a brief, stilted pause before she responded.
“Were you that afraid that I would want to marry you?” Her tone was edged with disbelief, and worse, hurt. “Did you think that if I knew, I would just throw myself at your feet and never let go?”
It was an effort to keep from laughing. That had been the furthest concern from my mind.
“Of course not,” I assured her. “Half the time, I wasn’t even sure you liked me. You truly do have a resting Socairan face.”
A half-hearted smile tempted the corner of her lips.
“Then what was the problem?” She sounded more curious than angry this time, so I took that as a positive sign.
“The problem wasn’t what you wanted,” I admitted. “It was what I wanted. I’ve never had to try with anyone before, and there I was, waiting hours on a freezing rooftop just to talk to you. You were the only person I had been able to stand the silence with since Mac died.”
I paused, shaking my head. “It was…a lot, especially when the people I was closest to had a history of disappearing.”
When I looked back up, she was watching the fire, taking a long sip of her whiskey.
Did she hear what I didn’t say?That she had, in fact, disappeared. That she had walked away without so much as a backward glance over something she never let me explain to her.
She turned her gaze back to me, visibly steeling herself. “So you were never going to tell me?”
I suppressed a wince, barely. It was an effort, forcing myself to tell her the truth when I knew it would only hurt us both.
“I was coming to tell you that morning.” I delivered the words as evenly as I could, but she still squeezed her eyes shut, no doubt realizing what I already had.
That all it took was half an hour and one spiteful woman for everything to go to hell.
If I had told her sooner or she had bothered to hear me out before leaving, we would have avoided all of this, but that was a game of blame that led nowhere.
She opened her eyes and set her glass down on the table next to her, but still said nothing.
I cleared my throat. “You told me not to apologize for something I would do again, and I need you to understand that I wouldn’t. If I had it to do over, I would handle everything differently, and I never would have let you find out that way.”
The seconds ticked by while she evaluated my face for veracity.
“And if you had told me?” she finally breathed. “What then?”