Page 39 of Obsidian Throne
“And that’s what I was doing, too, until–-” I tugged at my curls, taking a breath to ease my temper. “You say you want to start as we plan to go on, then you’re upset because I dare to have an opinion.”
He released a frustrated breath. “It was not your having an opinion that was upsetting, Lemmikki. It was the manner in which you chose to express it.”
“And if I had waited, your judgment would have already been passed,” I said. “So my options are…”
He searched my features, though for what, I wasn’t sure.
“Is it so difficult to fathom that while you are learning about Bear, in the meantime, you might simply…trust my judgment?” There was more in his expression than frustration now, enough that instead of shooting back a response, I took a small step back.
“I know that today, with the...flogging.” Why was that word still so hard for me to say? “I realize that you were being lenient. So yes, I should have trusted you.”
He took a sip of his drink, swallowing it slowly like he was weighing his next words carefully.
“And what if I hadn’t been?” His gaze bored into mine.
“If you hadn’t been right?” I clarified.
“If I hadn’t been lenient,” he responded. “That is not always a luxury I have, Lemmikki. In fact, it rarely is.”
He wanted to know if I could trust his decisions, even when I didn’t understand them. If I could trusthim.
And it was clear that the answer mattered to him.
I thought about Evander, who he had always proven himself to be. I thought about what was at stake in his territory, the careful power plays he had to make, and the way he expertly maneuvered his way through them.
More than that, though, I thought aboutmyhistory with him. And finally, I knew what to say.
“At the negotiations,” I began slowly, “I wasn’t going to make my counteroffer.”
“What?” he asked sharply.
Even now that we were married, my heart beat faster in my chest with this admission. The exposure of it.
The guilt of it.
“After I found out what Iiro had done,” I continued, trying for a matter-of-fact tone, “I was going to let the negotiations fizzle out, even though I knew it meant coming back to Bear. Because...because I felt safest with you.”
His lips parted. “Then what changed your mind?”
“You said you were eager to get rid of me,” I reminded him drily.
He raised his eyebrows. “After you called me a child murderer.”
My cheeks warmed, but I remembered all too well what had precipitated that particular burst of fury. “After you said your life would have been easier if I had never come here.”
Evander’s brow furrowed, and I suspected he was putting the pieces together that I hardly liked to admit to myself. How deeply I had cared what he thought of me, and whether he wanted me around, long before I should have.
How much I had trusted myself with him above everyone else.
“If that’s true, why were you so upset when we returned?” he asked quietly.
A disbelieving puff of air left my lips.
“Because you said it was a punishment keeping me around,” I said somewhat forcefully. “And then I was here, where I knew you...didn’t want me.”
The truth of that statement hit me. I had lied so thoroughly to myself, even after I got back.
But Theo’s breakup hadn’t hit me half as hard as being at odds with Evander had. I wasn’t sure I wanted to think about what that said for me or my fidelity, or whether it was just like Theo had said...that Evander and I were always inevitable.