Page 125 of Obsidian Throne

I managed to refrain from interrupting him to tell him that, but only because I was desperate to see where he was going with this.

Evander let out a slow breath. “But every part of me was drawn to every part of you, and I had never wanted anything in my entire life as badly as I wanted you that day in the cabin. I hated myself for that.”

“Don’t make that something it wasn’t.” Heat crept into my tone. “I already loved you then, and I wanted you, too. More than anything.”

“But the entire situation was convoluted by you being a prisoner,” he said gently. “So yes, when your father came, I told you to go. It was, perhaps, the first unselfish thing I did where you were concerned. You did need that time, Lemmikki. You needed space to heal and process and consider what you really wanted.”

Though it was frustrating, he wasn’t entirely wrong. I had been indecisive the day I left, confused, and terrified to leave him. But if I had stayed, would we have ever gotten to where we were right now?

“I can concede to that,” I said.

His eyebrows rose in surprise, but he nodded. “So, I told myself I would give that to you, even if it meant that you went back to Korhonan. That I would respect whatever decision you made.”

A small smile bloomed on my lips, in spite of myself.

“How did that work out for you?” I couldn’t help but ask, considering he had come to forbid me from marrying Theo.

The corner of his mouth tilted up in response.

“I hardly remember deciding to leave,” he admitted. “I got Korhonan’s bird about marrying you...and I didn’t think. I told Taras I was going instead of him, and I threw a trunk together, and I left. I knew that there would be consequences for Bear, and I still left.”

For a man who had done anything and everything for his clan, that was...unthinkable. I moved closer to him, almost on instinct, and he pulled his arms more tightly around me.

“Even when we found out what Iiro had done,” he said in a quieter tone, “I couldn’t honestly bring myself to regret it when it meant I had you.”

I tried not to let his words fill up every empty piece of me...and failed. Because what he was saying, the fact that he was saying it, was everything.

“So yes.” He trailed his hand from my shoulder to my wrist, like he was convincing himself I was still there, real and in his arms. “I have always been selfish where you are concerned. You said I should try putting emotion into the things I do, but that’s all I seem to know how to do with you.

“Logically, I knew that you wouldn’t want to go back to Lochlann. That you would hate me for that.” He met my eyes with so much honesty in his that I could hardly breathe.

“But I felt such blind panic every time I thought about something happening to you, that I convinced myself it would be better for you to be alive and unhappy than dead. I thought you would move on someday, have a life, still be this amazing, fiery light in an otherwise dark world, and I couldn’t handle the idea of that light being snuffed out.”

I understood that. And I even appreciated it. I really, truly did, but I was sincerely hoping that he was about to caveat it, because knowing where he was coming from did not solve the central issue between us.

“And now?” I asked, hardly daring to hope.

“Now…” He gently moved a strand of hair back from my forehead, running his thumb along the side of my face. “I still can’t handle it. But I can’t handle seeing you like this, either, and I sure as hell can’t handle losing you.”

“What are you saying?” I needed to hear him utter the words out loud.

He swallowed. “I’m saying that if what you need from me is to know that I will never again take that choice from you, then...I won’t.”

“Even if my life is in danger?” I pressed. “Even if you think there’s no other way out?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, visibly warring with himself. “Even then. But can you at least tell me you will try to be careful?”

I reached my hand out to his lightly stubbled cheek. “Evander, I will always fight to make my way back to you.”

“All right.” He opened his eyes again. “I promise you, even if your life is in danger, even if I believe there is no way out, I will always be honest with you. I will respect your decision...whatever it is.” He linked his hand in mine, as he had on both of our wedding days. “I swear it on my life.”

“No.” I shook my head, and he widened his eyes. “That just means the next time you think you’re going to die, you won’t see the need to uphold it. I want you to swear it onmylife.”

He paused, taking a single, shaky breath. Slowly, his hand squeezed mine.

“I swear it on your life, Lemmikki.”

CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE