Page 123 of Obsidian Throne
Spinning on my heel, I took off in the direction of her rooms.
She had told me on my balcony just how badly she didn’t want to be in love at all, for fear of losing that person.Who in their right minds would want to go through what Avani went through?
Then in the carriage.I don’t want to live in a world where you’re not.
I had known those things, on a logical level, but…
I walked faster, a rare bit of panic overtaking me because I was starting to wonder if I had already lost her.
Even in my rooms, she had said it again.You knew that losing you was my worst fear.
When I got to her room, I pushed her door open without knocking.
“Lemmikki, I--” The words died on my lips when I heard the hitching sound of a sob.
Opening the door the rest of the way, I stepped inside to find her curled up on her bed, shaking with the weight of the tears she so rarely shed.
“Go away,” she choked out between sobs.
I hesitated for less than a second before I shut the door behind me, kicking my boots off and crossing the distance to her.
“No,” I said quietly, settling onto the bed and wrapping my arms around her. “I never should have left you to begin with, and I’m sure as hell not going to do it again.”
She huffed out something between a bitter laugh and a sob. “No matter what I want, right?”
I stilled. “Do you want me to leave, Lemmikki?”
If she said yes...I would force myself to go. But it would take everything I had to do it.
Another wave of tears assaulted her, and she buried her face in my chest, her fists clinging to my shirt. “No.”
It was the only word she could get out. She was breaking. And I--I had broken her. Pain lanced through my chest, like it was cracking open.
“I’m sorry, Lemmikki. I’m so sorry.” I pressed my lips into her hair, and she cried harder.
“Were you really relieved?” she asked me.
She didn’t have to clarify what she was talking about. And I could have given her the rational explanation, all the reasons this would have been terrible timing for a baby.
Instead, I gave her another jagged piece of my soul.
“No, Lemmikki,” I breathed out. “I wasn’t relieved. I wanted that—want that, more than anything. A child with you. A life with you.”
She pulled back, examining my features through a cloud of tears. “Then why don’t you care enough to respect what I want?”
I opened my mouth, then closed it, not sure exactly how to explain this to her, how to make her understand that I saw it now.
That I had assumed she was angry, not realizing just how broken she felt over this.
But I understood it now.
And for everything I had thought and said and did, I realized in this moment that if me finding a way to change was the price of keeping her from feeling this way ever again, then I would damned well figure out a way.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR
ROWAN
Ididn’t push Evander to answer, because I could tell he wasn’t avoiding the question this time. He wasn’t hesitating before he told me something he knew I didn’t want to hear.