Page 118 of Obsidian Throne
“Yes, Lemmikki.” He met my gaze solidly. “Mylife. Not my death.”
I scoffed. “You don’t just get to pick the parts you want, Evander. Either you’re all in, or you aren’t.”
Evander shook his head, his black locks swaying where they had fallen on his brow. “I will never be all in if it means you needlessly dying.”
“Fine.” I spread my hands out. “If you were so worried about that, why didn’t we both go to Lochlann?”
“I had a clan to protect.” He said it like it was obvious, and I reared back as if he had slapped me.
“Whereas I just had my next tiara to pick out?” My words hung in the air between us for a long moment.
A muscle worked in his jaw. “It’s different, and you know it.”
“I don’t, actually,” I countered. “Explain it to me.”
He gritted his teeth. “The difference is that I swore an oath to protect my people, and you didn’t.”
“And what about the promise you made to me?” My voice rose with each syllable. “That we were in this together? Or did you conveniently forget aboutthatoath?”
“I also made a vow to protect you,” he growled.
“We made a vow to protect each other!” I shot back. “But you didn’t even give me the option of fulfilling mine when you left me in the middle of the night with a stars-damned note!”
He outright winced that time.
“I knew that if I told you, you would try to talk me out of it, and because it was already destroying me to leave you, I would cave. Then you would die.” He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “TheBesklanovvynever occurred to me, and I didn’t see another way to keep you safe.”
“And what if there hadn’t been?” I countered. “If I hadn’t been able to get the Unclanned? What if you had died, and I hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye?” My voice cracked, and I looked away, staring into the crackling flames in the hearth.
“Then I would have been grateful I did everything I could to keep you from that same fate.” His tone was gentle, but insistent.
We were going in circles. Draining my glass, I got to my feet.
“You know what kills me, Evander?” I said quietly, meeting his eyes once again. “That you knew--youknewthat losing you was my worst fear. I told you I didn’t want to live in a world where you weren’t. And still, somehow you see no problem with the fact that you resigned me to that life without a second thought.”
“It wasn’t without a second thought.” He leaned forward in his chair, speaking more forcefully now. “It was theonlyway. I couldn’t have handled it if something happened to you.”
“Do you even hear how selfish that sounds?” I demanded. “What about whatIcould handle? Do you honestly think there is any part of me that would want to go on living if you were gone?”
He squeezed his eyes shut, remorse clouding his features.
“I never wanted to hurt you. And Iamsorry for that.” His voice was quieter then, thick with emotion that nearly brought me to my knees.
“I don’t want an apology, Evander. I want you to say that you’ll never do it again.”
“Lemmikki, I would do anything for you.Giveanything for you.” He took a breath, his silver eyes boring into mine. “But you cannot ask me to sit back and watch you die when there is something I can do to stop it. I am not capable of that.”
How could a set of words be so perfect and so wrong at the same time?
“Even if that’s my choice?” I clarified.
He held my gaze for what would have been several breaths, if I had been breathing. “Even then.”
Shaking my head silently, I spun around and left his room.
There really was nothing left to say.
CHAPTER SEVENTY