Page 61 of Full Court Love

Sure, all those things are a part of who I am.

But I didn’t avoid any real vulnerability in a relationship because I needed to focus on basketball. I’ve come to discover how terrified I am that I won’t be enough for someone. Is “Lucy the basketball player” all people want? Will someone really be happy with “Lucy the very flawed human”?

Jordan led me to believe the answer might be yes. He made me think that if I didn’t have all the accolades andlooming fame and money, he would still just want me. The version of me that’s boring and spends time reading and ranting about nerdy stuff. The sometimes quiet, sometimes chatty, always sarcastic and competitive Lucy.

And even though I know the reasons he ended things are complicated and beyond just me, I can’t help but feel like if I was enough, he’d be willing to stay. He’d be willing to try. But I guess I’m not.

So, it’s over.

And now a new round of crying is starting. It’s getting harder to keep it quiet. I’m letting out more and more loud sniffles and sobs. My nose-blowing is trumpet-like. Maybe if my foot is permanently deformed, I’ll join the band as their first nose-trumpeter.

My jokes are getting worse and I’m probably going insane, in addition to my body and heart breaking. Great.

All these sounds finally seem to push Jordan over the edge. He scoots closer and wraps his arm around me. It’s warm and familiar, and I’m too weak to fight the urge to lay my head on his chest. So, I do.

Just for a moment, I’m comforted by the sound of his heartbeat.

He’s rubbing circles on my arm with his thumb and then leans his head down to kiss my hair. It’s like we can’t help ourselves, but it’s torturing me.

I look up at him, and he holds my gaze. He makes a slight move toward me, his eyes glancing down to my lips. My breath hitches. I’m still pressed against his chest and I feel his heart rate speeding up, keeping pace with mine. His hand not wrapped around my shoulders reaches up and softly wipes a tear from my cheek.

His voice is barely above a whisper. “I can’t stand seeing you in pain. I just want to take it all away.”

I snort. “Well, you’re the cause of the worst of it.”

He closes his eyes, his face betraying his own torment. Sodoes his response. “Believe me, if I thought there was any other way–”

I cut him off. “There’s always another way. If it’s important enough. If you want it badly enough.”

My words aren’t accusatory or angry.

They’re a challenge.

He opens his eyes. “I want it more than you know.”

His hands have found the sides of my face. We are mere inches apart. My intake of breath is sharp as he brushes his lips against mine. It’s gentle—hesitant, even. Like we both know there’s a lot unsaid and a lot unfigured out and we probably shouldn’t be doing it.

But that definitely makes me want to do it more.

He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. The tension is building as he leans back down. I close my eyes.

Ding-dong.

The spell is broken by the doorbell.

He’s snapped back to our sucky reality. He yanks his hands away, and jumping to his feet, he runs a hand down his face.

“Sorry, Lucy. I shouldn’t have done that. Our circumstances–my circumstances–haven’t changed. That was my mistake.”

He walks to the door, and I’m left to soak up his words.

So, in addition to being rejected by him twice, he’s now deemed me a mistake? Even if I know that’s not exactly what he meant, I can’t help but feel like that’s the insinuation. Being associated with me was a mistake.

Man, this really has been such a fun day.

CHAPTER 26

JORDAN