Page 54 of Full Court Love
“Lucy, what’s wrong?”
Pushing past him, I realize how odd it is that Jordan’s never had me over. I don’t even know which door goes to his room. Their apartment is nice. Simple, but nice. Why was he keeping this from me?
I whip around to Tyler. “Which one’s his room?”
He silently points and I storm over, whipping open the door. My anger is instantly deflated at the sight that greets me.
Jordan is sitting on a mattress on the floor, back leaning up against the wall, staring at the ceiling. The rest of the room is essentially empty. I’m starting to understand why he never invited me here, and that breaks my heart further.
His clothes are neatly stacked and he has a small TV, but otherwise, there’s not much else. Then I notice the small shelf full of my book recommendations. I didn’t even know he’d bought most of these, let alone was trying to read them all. It makes me love him even more.
There’s no anger left in me.
Compassion takes its place.
Jordan’s head drops down, eyes meeting mine, when he hears the door. He won’t maintain eye contact, instead turning away and looking out the window. The expression on his face is one of absolute dejection. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I walk over and plop myself down across from him, grabbing his hands.
“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”
I squeeze his hand, willing him to look at me.
“Sorry about all the calls. I realize now you probably just needed space and I was terrible at giving it to you.”
I meant it to be lighthearted, but I now feel selfish for being such a pest. It was a helpless feeling, not being able to help or even talk to him.
We sit in silence for a while. I don’t know what he wants, so I figure right now I can just be with him in the pain. When he finally does meet my eyes again, he’s wearing a look I’ve never seen on his face before. It’s almost a mask.
His jaw is set. I can see the muscles tensing in his face as he drops my hands.
“I don’t just need space, Lucy. I don’t think we can do this anymore.”
My face certainly conveys my confusion. He doesn’t wait for me to respond before continuing.
“It wasn’t fair of me to draw you into this mess. You have a lot to lose. Your career is bigger than me and my baggage. And your family…”
He drifts off as I fight the tears pricking my eyes. This can’t be real. It feels like an out-of-body experience, like I’m watching something terrible happening to someone else. This can’t actually be happening to me. This is the man I was going to tell that I loved him.
This is the man I was picturing my future with. Law school for him, professional basketball for me.
This is the man I was picturing having children with and growing old with. Games of one-on-one and HORSE until our knees couldn’t handle it anymore.
My heart is shattering into shards that are now slicing my insides apart.
I haven’t felt this since my dad died.
I never thought I’d feel this pain again. I was so careful with my heart. I was so guarded. But I gave him the power to hurt me, and he’s using it. He’s taking the decision away from me.
Through my tears, I’m now pissed off. “So, that’s it? I get no say? You’ve decided we aren’t worth it.I’mnot worth it.”
His stony façade slips for a moment, and I see the torment he’s enduring underneath.
His words are quiet. “You know that’s not true. I couldn’t live with myself if I was the cause of you not getting everything you’ve wanted. Everything you’ve worked for. I can’t be selfish.”
“But what ifyou’rewhat I want?”
My voice cracks. I close my eyes as the tears I’m fighting come with force.
He turns his vacant stare back to the ceiling. “Lucy, please. Please understand that my greatest fear is hurting you.”