Page 30 of Wrapped in Winter

Me: You know I can back it up.

January:

Me: I do remember your eyes rolling back a couple times.

Me: Anyway, I wanted to make sure you’re okay with me coming to Lily’s party. I know she doesn’t understand about not asking in front of someone.

January: She’s four, with no social graces yet.

January: And it’s fine. If you’re fine.

Me: I’m fine. More than fine.

January: Fine.

Oh, she’s not fine, I think to myself. My coming to her house is definitely pushing her boundaries, but I think it’s good for her. She needs the push, and I want to be the one to do it.

January: You know she doesn’t like raspberries, right?

I smile. I wondered how long it would take for her to question this.

Me: Those cookies aren't for her.

January: Who are they for then?

Me: You. Every time I see a raspberry now, it reminds me of you. That sexy lace color you wore, your sweet taste. I’ll never forget it.

I see the text bubbles start and stop. Start again then stop. I wait for a text to come through, but it doesn’t.

Me: Can I take you out Friday?

January: After we close the shop, I have errands to run for her party.

Me: Let me come with you. Two of us will take half the time. And we can stop for something to eat.

January: Why would you want to shop for party supplies for a four-year-old?

Me: Doesn’t matter what we’re doing, I just want to be with you.

January: A quickie in the bathroom to buying party decorations. I don’t know who’s crazier, you or me.

Me: Oh I’m definitely crazier, but you’ll catch up.

I put my phone down, knowing she most likely won’t text again. And that’s okay. I’ll let her work it out in her head. After our night at the bar, I decided right away that if I ever saw her again, I wouldn’t let her get away a second time. Cole calls me crazy for being so heart-led, but it’s always worked out for me. He says emotions and feelings get in the way of making an informed decision, but I say it’s the only way to truly be happy with a decision.

Why pour over details, what ifs, and possible scenarios of what could go right and what could go wrong, only for fate to make its existence known anyway? Humans can make all the plans they want, but the world is only going to allow it to happen if it wants it too.

I’ve always had this way of thinking, and it’s probably why my dad forced all the business stuff on me at a young age. He knew it wasn’t my natural way of thinking, but he wanted someone who thought like him. So the more he pressured me tounderstand numbers and actuals, the less dream-like a world he thought I’d live in.

But when my sister died, I knew there was no amount of planning or scenarios that could have changed that day. Could she have taken a different road home? Sure. Could she have stopped for a soda at the convenience store and delayed her approaching that intersection by ten minutes? Of course. But she didn’t. And not one of us thought to tell her to take a different route or get us a soda for later. Because losing her in that accident was something that was unimaginable. A thought that never crossed my mind.

So if my heart wants January but my mind gives me every reason why it may or may not work, it leaves me stuck in limbo and never knowing if I don’t just go for it. I’m done being rational, I like the irrational title my father donned me with.

Because love is never about logic or reason.

January: 30

Me: Is that how many orgasms I owe you?