Page 50 of From Coast to Coast

“I was just thinking about how you make me feel sort of small and…helpless? That’s not the exact right word. I just mean I’m not used to being the smaller half of a pair, that’s all.”

He breathes through several long exhalations before he responds. “I can see how that might be weird for you.”

“No, actually. It’s not weird at all.” I shrug, nestling a little closer to him. Fuck it—he’ll be in Colorado soon, anyway. “I wasn’t saying I didn’t like it. I was just commenting on the fact that it’s a new phenomenon for me.”

“Oh,” he breathes; a lot of relief packed into that one word. “Are you going to keep up the experiment after I go?”

“What? Like finger my own ass? Probably. Want me to send you videos?”

“I wasn’t angling for homemade porn, but yeah, if you’re offering,” he says on a laugh, squeezing me a bit. “I meant with other guys, though.”

I scrunch up my nose in distaste. The thing I’ve come to realize, the more time I spend with Grayson, is that I’m not into guys. Not even in the slightest. I’ve watched a little porn, perused the apps, and danced with strangers at a gay club. I’ve checked out every single guy that has passed me on the street since I’ve been here, searching for attraction. Nothing. I haven’t found a single guy who stirs anything up.

Except for Grayson.

“No, I don’t think so,” I answer him carefully, grateful that my head being pillowed on his chest means he can’t see my face. Something tells me we’re about to have the sort of conversation that would be better to have with clothes on. “We had a deal, right, Gray? For as long as we’re doing this, it’s only you and I.”

I throw the reminder out casually, even though my stomach has erupted in nerves. I have absolutely no idea where we stand and now the ground is even shakier with his impending departure. The thought of Grayson flying to Colorado and finding some cute, rock-climbing boyfriend makes me sick to my stomach. He’s fucking mine.

Except, Remy, he’s really not.

“Yeah, but it’s not fair for me to hold you to that when we’ll be living thousands of miles apart,” he murmurs.

“It wouldn’t be fair to you, either.”

He snorts. “Before you got here, I’d spent the last two years fucking my hand. I don’t think we have to worry about me. Abstinence suits me, apparently. Besides, I’ll be workinghard and trying to prove myself to my new team. I won’t have time for dating.”

Thank god for that.

“Same.” I snuggle closer to him, letting my eyes drift closed. I’m so tired and warm. Content.

“You can, though. Date, or whatever.” His voice is little more than a soft rumble.

“Maybe.” I sigh. “But not guys.”

“Oh.” There’s something in his tone that has my eyes popping wide and the sleepiness receding. “So, you got what you wanted out of this, then? Scratched the itch?”

He doesn’t sound mad, but there is a definite note of sadness that he’s trying hard to play off. I lift my head up enough that I can see his eyes, and turn his face gently toward mine with the tips of my fingers. Alex always tells me I’m an oversharer—well, I’m about to overshare the shit out of this conversation.

“I don’t want to date any other guys—that’s true. But not because I’ve satisfied my curiosity. I know you and I are good friends, and this thing between us is casual and all, but you are theonlyman I could do this with. I don’t…I just don’t like anyone else like this. I told you before that I just want you. I meant it then and I mean it now.”

I stop to think, trying to order my thoughts before letting them loose. Grayson is watching me, infinitely patient with his steady blue eyes on mine, and his fingertips rubbing gently up and down my forearm.

“I’ve always thought of myself as straight, but that’s evidently not the case. But I’m not gay, and I don’t think I’m bi, either. I’m…I have no idea what I am. Grayson-sexual, I guess.”

He smiles a little at that. I touch it with the pad of my thumb, tracing gently around his bottom lip.

“So, if I were staying, we would…” He trails off, letting me fill in the blanks of that damning sentence. It wouldn’t be fair for me to unload all of my feelings on him right before he leaves, but nor is it fair of me to lie. Deflection it is, then.

“Probably keep this up until we decided we’d had enough, I guess.”

It’s the wrong thing to say, judging by the flash of disappointment in Grayson’s eyes before they shutter and he looks away.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Grayson

We do endup napping a little while, curled on our sides with Remy’s back to my chest and his butt pushed into the cradle of my hips. I don’t sleep as soundly as he does, distracted by the tickle of his hair on my neck and the way he’s never quite still—every handful of minutes he makes a small noise and shuffles himself closer to me, pushing backward even though there isn’t anywhere to go.