Page 73 of Down Beat

“Hey.” She reaches out and pulls my hand off the back of the sofa.

I watch with raw fascination as she sets it on her leg and toys with my ring. Such a simple, seemingly normal thing for her to do. But it’s everything for me. Fucking everything.

I’m surrounded by many, adored by thousands, and yet not a single fucking person connects with me like she does.

“I can’t survive what touring does to me again, kitty.” I choose to stay focused on her slender fingers as she pinches the side of the metal skull between her forefinger and thumb and gently swivels it. “I struggle to live a normal life, let alone this one.”

“Did you tell them that?”

I nod. “Toby’s worn out. He’s lived with this shit for years. Growing up with it was bad enough, having to go without because Mom and Dad were consumed by caring for me. But now that neglect is amplified when our whole fucking entourage dedicate themselves to keeping me level.”

“Is it that bad?” Her hand stills, lying flat over the back of mine.

I give her leg a gentle squeeze. “I’m an asset, kitty. I make people a lot of money, so to them the expense is worth it to keep me playing—physical expense, and monetary. They’ll use me until I burn out, and by then the next big thing will be ready to take off.”

“I really don’t know what to say.” Her hand slips around mine until she has them palm to palm, her fingers threaded between mine. “I hurt for you, so I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.”

“I’m selfish. I know the chaos I cause, and yet I still act up, let myself slide, all because I know there are people ready to catch me.”

“That’s a good thing though, right? Having a good support network?”

“How long until they get tired of picking up the pieces, though?” I run my thumb over the back of hers. “How long until they let me fall?”

“I don’t think they’d do that. Would they?”

I shrug. “Everyone’s tired of the drama. Fuck, I am the most. But how do you change who you are?”

God, I hope she has the answer.

“You don’t.” She tugs my hand, urging me to look at her. “Why would you want to?”

“Because I hate everything about who I am.” A weight lifts after letting that one little thing go, finally admitting the depth of my problem. And yet, at the same time I’m fucking terrified of what she’ll think of me. I opened the door to my blackened heart, and now I wait with bated breath to see what she’ll do with that opportunity.

Seconds pass without her uttering a single word. Fuck—she can’t even look at me anymore. I prepare to pull away, to get back up and walk out that door, certain that the one person I thought might finally see me, might help me, was nothing but another case of misplaced trust.

I tug my hand from her, and pull in a deep breath. Maybe I could walk down to the river, see how high that bridge is? Maybe I could step out into the busy morning traffic and cut out the possibility of changing my mind?

I changed it once already in the past twenty-four hours, and look where that’s led me—straight to another disappointment.

I really can’t take any more.

My hands shake as I rise to my feet. Those tears are so fucking close now. Is this what the end feels like? A metaphorical dead end? Where do I go from here? I’m out of options, out of reasons to—

“Rey.”

I stall as Tabby stands too, her frame short and fragile next to mine.

“Just.…” She doesn’t say any more, simply steps forward and forces her left arm under mine to slide both of hers around my middle.

Fucking tears. There’s a first time for everything, right?

Tabby forces herself against me, wrapping me tight in her hold as she also forces me to let her in. I toss out all the pretenses about how real men don’t cry as the years of putting on a show, of pretending I’m somebody I’m not, take their toll and the tears silently fall.

My arm feels right against her back, her hair soft under my chin as she rests her head against my chest. We stand like that for longer than anybody should need to, her giving me everything I crave with her silent solidarity.

This is why I forced a fracture in our schedule. This is why three thousand people were notified the show would be canceled and their tickets transferred to tomorrow night’s.

Because a thousand miles away was a woman completely unaware of the power she holds in being nothing but her true self.

Unaware of what she can do to save this dying heart.