Page 134 of Down Beat

He pulls the zipper down, but he may as well be dragging a knife through my heart. I’m selfless in this moment, in the worst kind of way. He takes his time stripping me down, his hands reverent between each article of clothing. I brace myself with my hands on his shoulders as he helps me to step out of my panties while he’s still seated on the floor.

The look he gives as he tips his head back to take me in? I don’t deserve it.

But I want it, and so I take it, which is what makes me such a horrible fucking person.

“Come here.” He crooks his finger as he whispers the command.

I bend my knees and settle on his legs, straddling his hips. He scoots a little lower so that my knees have room before they’re up against the bed.

“I don’t want this night to end,” he muses aloud while his palm glides across my flesh.

I thread my fingers in his hair at the back of his head, letting my forehead rest against his. “It hurts me to think you don’t see how incredible you are.”

He sets both hands on my hips, nudging them further around onto my ass before he takes hold. “You make me that way.”

I don’t. He still doesn’t understand. Maybe he thinks I bring out the best in him? So what if I did? It wouldn’t matter shit, what I can do, if that beauty wasn’t already there inside of him.

You can’t showcase what doesn’t exist.

I run my hands over his shoulders, the thrill of the touch bittersweet with the sense of loss that accompanies it. I get this once, when I could have it a hell of a lot more if I stayed.

But would I still enjoy it, if I let him break me down and use me? I don’t think I could.

Which is why I get to selfishly make this memory once, and make sure I do it right.

His eyes stay fixed to mine as I watch my hands trace a path over his chest. His breaths are steady, yet the heartbeat beneath my touch tells me this man is anything but in control as he holds me to him with a borderline painful grip.

I lean in and give him a chaste kiss, before moving my mouth to his ear. “I’m ready.”

His right arm bands around my middle, my own thrown over his shoulders as he uses his left hand to push himself to his feet, lifting me. I cling to him, legs wrapped around his waist as he turns and sets me on the bed. His knee settles between my legs, teasing as he presses it against the junction of my thighs. I arch my back, grinding myself shamelessly against him while he hooks both thumbs in the waistband of his boxers and pauses only to give me a cheeky smile.

“What?” I try and fail to touch him, frustrated that he’s just out of arm’s reach.

He shakes his head, pulling his knee away to drop his clothing. “Just you, kitty. Just you.”

My teeth dive into my bottom lip as he bends to push the boxers off his feet. For a fleeting second, I forget why this is such an agonizing union as he straightens out and presents himself in all his naked glory.

I’m a horrible, horrible person. But looking at the man who climbs on the bed to hold himself over me, I don’t care.

I couldn’t care. Not when I know that no matter how bad I regret doing this to him, I’d regret giving up the chance to go through with it ten times more.

“I love you, Tabby. And you know what?” He searches my face, arms flexed as he holds his weight. “It kind of scares the shit out of me.”

“It scares me too.” Mostly because the thought of what that love will do to us after tomorrow is cause for concern.

I tease my fingertips down his chest, stopping just before our bodies touch. He sucks in a sharp breath, eyes closed as his abs tense beneath my touch.

His arousal pulses against me, teasing me with how close we are to crossing over this final boundary. I wrap my fingers around the back of his neck, pulling him to me to taste that heady mix of cigarettes and mint. Rey’s hands hold me reverently as our tongues tangle, his kiss holding me captive while he rocks his hips against me.

I shuffle my butt up the bed a fraction to line him with my entrance, indicating I’m ready to skip the foreplay. I need him so badly it physically hurts, almost more than my fractured heart.

“Be right back.” He leaves me with a final kiss to the tip of my nose, darting across the room to where his luggage sits on the floor.

Of course. We went into this totally unprepared.

The foil packet hits the bed next to my shoulder before Rey resumes his position over me. “Now I’m ready.”

I chuckle, warmed at his use of humor. It makes this so much more relaxed, intimate even, that he feels okay enough to break from the intensity of the act.