Page 132 of Down Beat
“You know how I realized that I love you?”
She shakes her head, hands slung loosely between her bent legs.
“We haven’t slept together.” I laugh at how fucking ridiculous it sounds out loud. “If I didn’t give two shits about you I would have found somewhere to drill you after that concert we did.”
“That’s really insensitive, Rey.” She chuckles.
“It’s the fucking truth though.” I smile at her, relieved we’ve found calmer waters. “I craved those Messenger calls we made, because I wanted to see you. Ask the guys: I take a hell of a long time to warm up to people I don’t know. But you.…” I grip my hair in frustration, unable to give the sentiments the kind of words they deserve. “I’ve never enjoyed just being with a person like I have you. I mean, don’t get me wrong”—I lift both hands with a chuckle—“I think about taking things to the next level with you all day, every day. But I wanted you to let me know when you were ready. I didn’t want to lose the best part of you by rushing the rest of you.”
She swallows hard, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. “You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”
“Don’t fucking tell me you’re still going. Don’t.”
She stares at me in silence. I count the beats of my heart.
“Stay, kitty. Please.”
“Give me a reason why. And don’t tell me you love me again, because I need more.” She frowns. “I need you to show you care about me, about my goals too. I want to be here for you, but only if you’re present for me too.”
Those rich brown eyes of hers hold me captive as I cross off all the lines I could give that don’t measure up to what she asks of me. Fuck—I deliver lines for a goddamn living, and yet here I am tongue-tied because the lyric I need in this moment is the linchpin to whether or not we have a future.
I’ve never felt performance anxiety like I do now.
So I do the only thing that comes naturally—I sing. I pull the words the only way I know how.
“The dark before the dawn, the calm before the storm. Solace is what I find with you, when the sun don’t want to shine.”
Love me, hold me. Tell me you’re here to fix me.
Love me, hold me. Tell me, baby, please. Tell me you can fucking save me.
Her chin quivers as I sing the last lines in my head, praying she’s the silver bullet I had in mind when I wrote that song.
“You added two words.”
I nod. “Yeah. I did.” I added “with you” to the end of the line.
When I penned the lyrics, it was the peace I found in the darkness that I had in mind. But it’s her now. She brings me peace when the shadows fall.
“You still didn’t give me an answer for the problem.”
“Maybe I had it wrong when I asked you to help write for me,” I say, hands scrubbing the carpet. “Maybe, I need to write for you?”
Her brow pinches. “Where are you going with this?”
“Maybe,” I say with a shrug. “If we write something together I can, I dunno, work like a mentor or something? We’ll take you indie; fuck Wallace. You give me the music, and I’ll show you how to market the fuck out of it.”
The rustle of her clothing brings my head up, and I find her on all fours as she crawls across the floor to where I sit slumped against the foot of the bed. She pushes my legs apart, settling herself between to sit on her heels.
“You’d do that for me?”
“I’d do damn near anything for you.” Even give up my sad and pathetic life to make hers what she fucking deserves.
“I’ve never met somebody who messes me up like you do.” She shakes her head slowly, yet with a smile. “Why do I let you do this to me?”
“Because I fucking love you, kitty.” I wrap my arms around her and pull her in tight.
It fucking killed, that space between us. I hate it. It’s so much more than a physical void when there are arguments involved.
“You make it hard not to love you, too, Rey.”
“But you’re unsure about this?” I give her space to pull back so I can see her.
“There’s a lot to consider.”
Yeah, there is. But no matter how messed up the puzzle in in my head, I know what the end picture is supposed to show, and it’s her and me. It’s going to take time to sort it all out, get the edges in and then figure out where everything else goes. But the satisfaction once complete will be worth it.
So worth it.