Page 49 of Echoes in the Storm
“Fuck me,” I groan. Knew she was too good to be true. “Don’t tell me you’re a feminist as well.”
“I prefer realist. You can’t deny that there’s a real inequality when it comes to the expectations society sets on women over men. I mean, it’s totally accepted for an overweight guy to score a hot, fit young woman, right? But if an overweight woman bags herself a hot, fit young guy, she’s suddenly a cougar, or he’s a chubby-chaser. It’s bullshit.”
“I don’t know,” I say on a sigh as I guide her up the stile. “All I know is that if a woman has hips and tits, then the primal part of a man can’t help but notice. Cut it whichever way you like, but men are built to hunt and provide, and they’re attracted to the fact women are built to breed and care for the young.”
“Yeah?” Cam says quietly. “Well, some of us obviously failed at the breeding and caring part.” She storms off ahead as I hustle over the stile with my foot in my goddamn mouth.
What the fuck was I thinking saying that?Douche, Duke. Fucking douche move, that was.“Shit, Cam. I didn’t mean that.”
She shakes her head, pushing on ahead.
“Cam.” I jog to catch up, determined to fix this. “Wait up, would you?”
“I’m sorry,” she blurts as she stops and turns to face me. “It’s just … you struck a chord, you know? You’re right to a degree, and that’s what hurts. I’m a woman, and yet I’m a shit mum.” Her brow twitches. “Iwasa shit mum.”
God, no. Never.I take her shoulders in my hold and bend a little to level our gazes. “You arenota shit mum.”
“How can you say that when my negligence caused my daughter’s death? Do you have any idea how many different ways I could have stopped what happened? I could have locked the door before I dozed off; I could have put up with the blocked sinuses and just dealt with it; I could have waited until Jared got home to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my head-cold-induced misery. Jesus, Duke, the list never ends.”
“No, it doesn’t. But what the fuck does beating yourself up over again and again achieve now?” I ask.
She stares into my eyes, her brow hard as she seems to search for something—who knows what? A sign that I’m lying, telling her what she needs to hear?
Not going to find it.
“Answer me, Cam.” I give her shoulders a gentle shake. “What the fuck does any of that achieve now? Can you go back and change what happened?”
“No.” She pouts.
“Does hindsight help you deal with the grief at all?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Exactly.” I drop my hands to my sides and straighten up. “So let it go. You were no more able to foresee what would happen when you took those drugs than I was when I re-deployed thinking I’d still have a wife when I got back.”
“So why do you still beat yourself up over the past as well, Duke?”
Damn.She’s nailed it on the head with that question. WhydoI blame myself for not being able to do more after the attack, for not being able to stop my wife driving that day? I couldn’t prevent either of those events any more than she could prevent hers. Whatwouldone more scorned soldier running off into the desert with a loaded weapon, or being home the day family died, have achieved?
It wouldn’t have changed what happened, that’s for sure.
It may have been her daughter’s door we opened last night, but as I look at Cam patiently waiting on me to answer, it becomes obvious that it was never her issues we were bringing into the light.
It was mine.
This was never meant to be about me.
“Come inside, Duke.” Cam holds her hand toward me, her head cocked slightly to the side. “Let’s go eat. My stomach thinks my throat’s been cut.”
“You go ahead; I’ll be in soon.”
Her eyes narrow. “You don’t like the dark.”
“I know that, Cam,” I snap a little too harshly given how she whips her head back. “Perhaps I feel like a good old shock to the senses might help.”
I can’t explain it, but the way she turned the conversation around, pointed out that my observations about her inability to cope come from having the same faults in myself, makes me want to face this last demon head on.
“Now isn’t the time.” Her fingers thread in mine. “We can deal with this one together, later.”