Page 96 of Existential
“I need to be on the road. I’ll see you in a couple of days, Dee.” He hesitates just outside the door, staring at me for what feels like an inordinate amount of time, but in reality is probably a few fleeting seconds. His mouth opens to say something, but he shakes his head instead, turning heel and leaving me hanging.
He’s closed the metaphoric door on us, shut me out and barred the windows. I hold myself tight, turning back to the window to watch the men as they roll out in a cloud of dust and thundering engines.
I can’t wait around for the promise of nothing to come. He feels so close, and yet so far away. I’ve never felt such a strong connection with somebody who only gives me what they think I need.
Why do I stay on? That’s the real question. What the hell incenses me to stay when I get little to no love in return?
Why?
Because you know this isn’t the real him. You know this is his depression talking.
He’s pushing me away to protect himself, when in reality, that’s the last thing he needs.
I move to the bed and take a seat at the end beside Beth’s feet.
“He really likes you,” she mumbles, eyes shut.
“You heard all that, huh?”
“Guilty.” Her baby blues creep open, and she props herself up slowly on the pillows, throwing one my way.
I place it behind my back against the footboard, and face her. “I don’t understand him, Beth.”
“No one does. It’s why he’s been alone for so long. Only Mel and Dana ever got his quirks and mood swings—family and all.”
“I’m torn, you know?” I fidget with a speck of something under my nail. “I’ve got nothing to go to if I leave, but staying only hurts more.”
“He won’t always be like this.” She shrugs one shoulder. “The guys always get real distant when they’re tied up in club business.”
“How do you put up with it, though? The constant push and pull?”
Beth fusses with the blanket over her legs, yawning. “I make the routine mine. He pulls me close, I relish it, make memories for the quiet times. And when he pushes me away, I enjoy the time to myself, the break from it all.”
“Crackers, right?” I caught the panic on his face when he spotted her bleeding downstairs.
She nods, the evidence of her altercation clear as day in the swelling and bruising around her nose and eyes. “We aren’t exclusive, but I haven’t been with another man for over a year.”
“What’s stopping you being a couple?”
She shrugs. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t look at me that way.”
“He sleeps with other women?”
She nods, the pain as clear to read as a printed page. “Like I said, we aren’t exclusive.”
Still … how does she put up with it? How does he not see what it does to her? I don’t understand the rules around members and property, but damn it all if it doesn’t seem a little one-sided.
“Does …” I can’t even voice the thought. “Does Hooch sleep with other women?”
“I don’t think so.” Beth frowns, leaning forward to take my hand. “He’s not the same as Crackers, so don’t go gettin’ it in your sweet head that he’s heading off to spend time with another woman. They’re away on business, that’s all.”
It may as well be another woman though for the amount of time he spends away from me. I could count the hours we’ve had together on one hand.
Why do I stay?
I swing my legs around and sit on the side of the bed as Beth studies me quietly. There’s no denying I feel something for the big moron, but I can’t be a part of this pantomime. He wants me, he ignores me, he pleads with me to understand, and yet he won’t give me anything to help me do exactly that.
I can’t waste my days because this might be the best I get.