Page 94 of Existential

“So, where did you go?” Crackers asks again. “The truth this time.”

“I met up with the rat who gave me the info I passed over,” he says.

Yet, I don’t believe him. It makes sense, sure, but why be so secretive about it? Why not just tell us straight up that’s what he was going to do?

“Why the lies then?” I ask.

“Because if I told you fuckers that’s what I was off to do, you would have wanted to tag along, and I didn’t want to scare the guy off.”

“You’re drownin’ in so much bullshit I’m surprised you can still tell night from day,” Crackers states, shaking his head.

“Believe what you want,” Digits says, “but that’s the sum of it.”

I really don’t know what to believe anymore. I swing so hard daily between wanting to kill this motherfucker, and then hoping what he says is the truth, that I’m developing whiplash.

I kill him, and he’s finally telling it to us straight, and I lose all respect.

I out him, and he has in fact lead us to the ghost buyer and an end to this drug shit, and I can’t be trusted to make decisions.

I leave him in, and he fucks us over again, and I get both of the above: lost trust, and respect.

I can’t fucking win.

“How do you want to deal with this, pres?” Crackers asks, snapping me out of my head.

I stare down at Digits, seeing him, but not recognizing a single piece of the brother I swore in a few years ago. I can’t trust him, but even worse, I can’t trust myself either.

“I don’t know.”

Digits smirks. He knows he has me. And it grates at me.

“I can’t trust you to go alone and check this address out,” I tell Digits, “but I’m also not leaving you here unsupervised with the women.”

“Quite the problem you have there, boss.” The corners of his eyes crinkle with his mirth.

“So we all go, exactly as we’d planned to begin with. But you listen up, and you listen real good.” I lean down, leveling our gazes as best I can. “I find out this is a lie, that the address is a fake, and you won’t be coming home in anything but a wooden box. You hear?”

“I hear you.”

“Good.” I look up at Crackers. “Objections?”

“If it keeps him away from the girls while we’re gone, then I’ll agree.”

“Sorted then. Let’s go find out who the mystery man is.”