Page 20 of Existential

The work is simple, and to be honest, I’ve quite enjoyed it. A bird—don’t ask me what kind; it was brown—stopped by while I was pulling weeds yesterday. The little guy sat on the branch of a bush not far from where I worked and cocked his head side to side as I struggled with the stubborn roots. I sat back on my haunches and stared at the creature, wondering how it would feel to be so free before it hit me.

I am free. And yet I’ve never felt so shackled in my life. Shackled to the fight for survival. There’s no freedom when you walk off the grid, there’s just the vast echoing silence of your mortality as it stares you down challenging you to test it.

Everybody needs to eat. Everybody relishes the feel of cleanliness. And everyone aches for human interaction.

There’s no real joy in solitude. Yet there’s also no joy in the struggle to fit in. There’s just a limbo in between where you try a little of each in intervals and hope for the best.

Sun streaks in the gaps in the walls of the shed as I gather my tools for the day. There’s not much left to do. The gardens are clear of weeds, the grass trimmed thanks to the ancient lawnmower I was convinced I’d lose a limb to, and the paths are swept and cleared of moss. All that remains is to tidy the driveway.

I push the barrow out the shed door, the rake and spade balanced on top, and head for the entrance to the property. Hooch hasn’t said what comes next when these tasks are done, and I guess I haven’t asked because I’m hoping that I’ll be able to walk out the door with the four hundred dollars he’s given me and be done with it.

I may be tired of living alone, but it doesn’t mean I’ll settle for less than I deserve simply because it’s the easy option. My feet are willing, my legs strong, and my heart ready to carry me wherever the winds may call me.

Somewhere out there, somewhere in this vast and infinite world is the place that’ll make me feel at ease. The place where I’ll lay my head and wish to never rise again as my soul sighs in relief.

I just wish I knew where.