Page 34 of Malaise
I curl up in a ball around my half bottle of drink, determined not to lose it, and close my eyes, phone clasped in my bandaged hand. The rain becomes a steady drumming, lulling my echoing mind as I even my breathing and focus on not vomiting again. I’m too fucked to move if I needed to, and too proud to have any yunder on me if I don’t.
Thunder rumbles in the distance, and I suck in a deep breath. My arms dimple with the cold, and my stomach burns a hole through the surrounding organs. Yet all I can think of doing is working out how to keep steady enough to have one more drink.
One more and you can slip over into the nothingness.
Sleep lurks on the edge of my consciousness, and I doze off a couple of times, waking with a start when the thunder cracks closer than before. A deep disappointment sets in when I remember what I’d been dreaming of, who had been there when I closed my eyes and let my mind go.
Den. He’d been as clear as though it were last week, and he was standing over my bed like he used to, nudging me to wake up. “Get up, Meg. Nothing gets done by giving up before the day’s started.” I wave my arm around in my semi-sleep state and try to push him away.
My hand strikes something very solid and very real.
“Fuck, Meg. What have you done to yourself?”
The ground gives out, and my body twists and folds as I’m jostled against another hard surface. I emit a garbled noise that doesn’t even make sense in my mind, and will my roiling stomach to settle for at least a full minute.
“That’s it, babe. Talk to me, huh? Tell me what you’ve been doing.”
The creak of metal precedes warm air washing over me, and the soft familiar vinyl of a car seat cradling me as a sweet vanilla scent seeps into my nostrils.
“Keep her on her side, huh?”
A thud echoes around me, yet I can’t bring myself to open my eyes. Gentle hands reposition my arm and tilt my head back so my chin is clear of my chest. Fingers comb through my hair as the chill of the night washes over me and the surface beneath me tilts momentarily.
“What are we going to do with you, honey?”
Tanya?If she’s here then that hard presence before was Carver… which means… my head hurts too much. I settle against the warmth beside me and sigh as her fingers gently stroke my scalp, sweeping my matted hair out of my face.
The car starts away from where we’d been stopped and I return to Den, content with the knowledge that I’m safe and warm while I drift away to chat a while with the guy I miss the most, even if only in my dreams.