Page 27 of Mountain Bean Dream
It wasn’t like that in show business, where egos reigned supreme. The last show I worked, it was a toxic set. For four years, no one got along, the executives were always yelling and screaming, and the show was bleeding money. Ratings sucked and there was a general malaise running through, almost like a form of cancer. When the show was pulled off the network, it was like a sigh of relief. It was life-changing to escape that.
Jasper and the Coffee Loft weren’t like that. The smells, the sounds, how most people were happy. Coffee and warm drinks served with a smile always put a spring in people’s steps, and a latte puns didn’t hurt either. Elliot may be strict, but hewas a fantastic guy, and I was 100% certain there wasn’t a bad moment in his body. Life was different here.
Jeremy bobbed his head. “That’s… Wow… That’s really cool that you know what you want to do.”
“For now at least. I have no commitments here, but I love my job.”
“So if you get the urge to go, you’ll just leave?”
I shrugged. “Maybe. Who knows. There’s nothing tying me down.”
We hit a pothole, and I squeezed my left arm tighter to my chest.
His arm flailed out but stopped before he connected with me. A heartbeat late, he gripped the steering wheel tight. “Sorry. You okay?”
I nodded and pulled on the seatbelt to snug it more. For a big truck, it didn’t feel like the suspension was top-grade. Like my car. Guess Merlot and Chardonnay had that in common.
“I’m good, thanks.”
“Tell me more about Derek.”
“Why so interested?” I cocked my head to the side, studying his unchanging expression.
“Can I be honest?”
“Always. If you’re going to be anything in life, be honest.” Words I lived by. And also avoidance – I lived by that too.
Like a baby bull, he snorted. “Why would someone like you want to make a lowlife like him who claims, and I quote, how he was only using you to pass the time, desire you? Why not just find someone else? What’s the pull and urge to make him jealous?”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that question at all and didn’t know how to answer it.
Instead, I scanned the horizon as if the answer were there.
“Because I want to…” I paused, reminding myself that I just toldhimI was honest. “For once in my life…” I tucked my chin into my chest and continued people-watching. “You know what, it’s stupid. Never mind.” Honesty or not, my reasons sounded childish.
“I highly doubt that. Keep talking.”
I faced him, his expression still unchanging. “Well, it’s just that I’ve never been…” Why was this so embarrassing?
A long sigh breathed out of him. “Clearly your reasons are important, and if you share them with me, then I’ll know how to work it so we can make the good doctor more jealous.”
“Oh, yeah, right. My stupid reasons.”
He approached the left turn onto Hazel Avenue and waited at the red lights.
“The reason I want to make Derek jealous is because…” I just had to say it. Spit it out. Maybe putting it out into the universe would change my luck. “I want to feel special enough that a guy wants me for me. For something longer than a few dates, or for an event. It would be nice to have someone see a future with me, not just for a way to pass time.” Those words had stung so much. They had been given free rent in my head, but I couldn’t find a way to evict them.
“You were dating, right?”
“No, I know, but I askedhimout.” Maybe in hindsight, his response ofSure, why not?should’ve raised a red flag, but apparently I wasn’t that gifted in reading the signs. “It’s how it’s been the last couple of years; I’ve been doing the asking.”
It sucks to be lonely, but it’s worse being alone when you’re dating someone too.
Countless guys in high school and on set had asked me out, but it was because ofwhoI was, not because they were really interested in being with Molly the person; they wanted Holly the celebrity—someone who could get them into special parties andsweet perks. It was plainly obvious on the first date too. Back then, it was rare for there to be a date number two.
Until I moved away from that lifestyle, and slowly the relationships grew. But they never amounted to much.
The light turned green and we turned onto the avenue, driving past the rock-edged road and over a set of railroad tracks.