Page 24 of That Summer
“Come here,” Lucas said, lifting up his arm.
She cradled into his chest and allowed the tears to keep falling. One of her shrinks had said it was healing to let the tears fall. She wasn’t feeling healed by any stretch, but it felt good all the same.
Oh, what she wouldn’t give for a time machine. To go back to that night and leave just a few seconds earlier. Or later. Any amount of time differential would mean that they would be here now, instead of up in heaven. And she’d be living a normal life.
His hand ran over her head, smoothing down her hair. “It’ll be okay. We’ll get you through this.”
“I know.” She sniffed. Not wanting to leave the sanctity of his warmth, she curled in a little more, his chest rising up and down with his breaths. “I have homework from my shrink, this new one, and I’m struggling to get it done.”
His hand moved to her shoulder, giving it a little squeeze.
“He asked if I was happy to be alive,” she said.
“That’s a weird question to ask, isn’t it?”
“I thought so too, and yet I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. It’s one of the many things keeping me awake at night.”
“Yeah, there’s no end to the things you torture yourself over.”
She dismissed his comment. It wasn’t her fault the dreams were so vivid. If she had any choice, she’d prefer to sleep but her mind just won’t shut up. The Benedryl helped, but it was no longer an option. “I keep going back to that question. It’s like it hangs over me, constantly questioning me. I think I am happy to be alive, but I’m not really.”
“What?” He shifted slightly beside her.
“Well, you see, after the accident, I was a mess. A total wreck. I was in the hospital, bandaged up, pins sticking out of me. At one point I had a respirator to help me breathe. I was a living Frankenstein.”
Before the curtain pulled back, she’d heard whisperings from the staff to keep things upbeat and show no expressions. Human instinct is not something you can control. The first time Daddy saw her, he made the most horrific expression. It didn’t matter if it lasted microseconds, she saw it. Guilt, shame, horror–it all flashed across his face before the fatherly compassion surfaced once again.
“I remember laying there, in the middle of the night, no one around. The heart monitor beside me beeping out each beat. The rest of the room was void of sound. No echoes of shoes on the floor, no chatter of nurses in the background. Just this eerie fucking silence. And I got an itch on my leg. Due to my pincushion surrounding my hips, I couldn’t scratch it as I couldn’t bend at the waist. I was helpless. Totally helpless. And very much alone.” She picked at the lettering on Lucas’ shirt. “No one knew I was itchy. Then the itch started to hurt. But I was still alone.”
“That must’ve been terrible.”
“It gets worse.” His large inhale of air pushed her up. With the release of air, she closed her eyes. The image of that dark night froze on her brain like a movie on pause. “It had been almost a month. I was still in the hospital. Anything I needed done, I needed to have a nurse do it. I couldn’t even wipe my own ass. Do you know how humiliating that is? I couldn’t take care of my own basic needs. I had staff to help feed me for a bit once I was off the respirator.”
“That’s… wow. I’m really sorry.” His voice soft, yet almost disbelieving.
“So that night, I was laying there. Helpless. And I felt sorry for myself. Wondered if I was ever going to heal. Everything felt so grim and I know now that I was at rock bottom.” She wrapped a fallen strand of hair around her ear. In a low voice, she carried on. “My boyfriend had just left me. My so-called friends hadn’t been by in weeks. Daddy came when he could, but he still had things to do. He had planned not one, but two funerals. He was trying to settle Carmen’s affairs, and Momma’s to a point. Somewhere in there, he tried to visit his injured daughter in a hospital four hours away, but I really wasn’t the best company.”
Lucas’ grip intensified on her shoulder, pulling her in tighter.
“That night…” She sighed, her heart aching at the memory of it. “I wished for death. I begged for it. I surrendered to it. Told Death to come and take me away. I felt like I was living in hell and I didn’t want to live like that. I’d rather be dead.”
His swallow was audible. “How long did you…”
“Months. The shrinks I saw said my depression was normal, came with the accident. Here, try this pill, it’ll help, they said. Take this one too, it’ll make you forget.” A sassiness to her voice as she remembered the white coats and their arsenal of drugs. “It’s all normal, they claimed. You’ll get over it soon. But you know what’s not normal? Wanting death. Trying to find a way to get it when it ignores you. But I had no control. The only thing I could control was what I ate. And when I tried starving myself, the nurses hooked me up to fluids. There went that. I had no control over anything.” She pushed herself up and wiped her face. “Finally, I caved. And they were right. The drugs helped. Ah, those were good. They numbed me. Numbed my feelings. Numbed the joke of a life I now lived.”
Lucas gasped at her revelations. He reached out for her hand and held it tightly. “If it’s any consolation, I’m glad you chose life.”
“That’s the thing. I didn’t choose life. Death just never came for me.” She couldn’t stand facing in his direction any more and watch the hurt blossoming behind his grey-blues with such force. A heartbeat was all it took for her to understand that his expression wasn’t one of hurt, it was of pity. “Please don’t look at me like that.”
“I’m… I’m sorry.” He didn’t let go of her hand and gave it a tender rub. “I don’t know what to say.”
She shrugged, her heart empty. “There’s nothing to say. I know you’re trying to be all sweet and see the good in everything, because that’s who you are. You’re a great guy. And I’m… well, I’m just me.”
His voice fell. “Aurora.”
“It’s true. And it’s not me having another pity party, it’s the iron-clad truth. I’m miserable. My life sucks. My mind is a scary place to be. My body aches. I depend on the wrong things.”
“Where’s all this coming from?”