Page 134 of Error Handling

“Not now,” I say to no one. Then, I pick up the call. “Hey.”

“Your father’s not eating again,” Mom says, her voice a hair higher than normal, the pitch she uses when she’s worried or wants to make someone think she’s worried.

Here we go again.

“Define not eating,” I say.

“Not eating breakfast. Not eating lunch. Munching on crackers now and then. What do you want me to say? He’snoteating.”

“Have you tried McDonald’s milkshakes?”

“He drinks a McDonald’s milkshake for dessert every night now.”

“Ah.” I rest my ankle on my opposite knee and play with a sliver of tread on my sandal that’s flopping off like a hangnail. “So, he’s eating dinner.”

“Usually, but not much. He picks at it like Lilliputian.”

Lilliputian is the pet cockatiel we owned when I was growing up.

“I don’t know, Mom. Is he keeping track of his weight?”

“Of course not.”

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to talk to him?”

“Will you?”

After the day I’ve had, I don’t want to talk to anyone, but if it will calm my mom down, I’ll be the dutiful son.

“Put him on,” I say.

“Okay.”

I hear shuffling. Indistinguishable grumbles. My mom’s worried voice saying, “Talkto him.”

“I’m fine,” I hear my dad say, and I envision him swatting at her like a fly.

“No, you are not,” Mom says emphatically. Then she says, “Here he is,” into the phone before I’m greeted by Dad’s gravelly voice.

“What’s your mother telling you now?” Dad says.

“Hello to you too.”

“Oh. Hello. It’s just—I’m too old for so much nagging. I think it’s the real cause of dementia. A lifetime of nag, nag, nag. Eventually, a brain just decides to shut down.”

I laugh. He has a point.

“She says you’re not eating, Dad.”

“I eat when I feel like it. Why should I have to eat at regular, timed intervals? Haven’t I earned the right to graze whenever I feel like it?”

“Sure, if you’re keeping your weight up. Are you keeping your weight up?”

“I don’t know. I broke the scale.”

“When?”

“When your mom complained about being fat for the umpteenth time while stuffing chocolate chip cookies into her mouth.”