Page 60 of Brutal Reign
I already know how my dad will react, and there’s no point in giving him a heart attack unless I’m sure I even want these mate bonds. My knee-jerk reaction ishell no, considering the amount of bad blood between me and those boys, but then there’s also the rush of old feelings that have been rising to the surface again; buried memories of better times that I have no business revisiting.That’sthe niggling little part of me that wants to give them a chance.
I used to have ahugecrush on Ace. One glance from those blue-green eyes could set off a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, and the deep connection we shared with music made it feel as if our souls spoke the same language. With all the quiet intensity of a tortured artist, he was always the calm one; the rational one. The one I could count on to anchor me through any storm and hold my hand when I needed comfort. Ace made me feel safe.
My crush on Seb was totally different, but no less consuming. Though the two of us fought more than we got along, I lived for the exhilaration of pushing his buttons and making that ticking time bomb detonate. Being around him was akin to dangling from the edge of a cliff– a constant flurry of excitement, chased by the thrill of his unpredictability. The rush was addictive. It called to some deeper part of me, pushing me out of my comfort zone in ways I couldn’t get enough of. Seb made me feel wild.
Of course, I can’t base my entire future on memories of happier times. I’ve spent the past three years wondering what the hell I did to warrant their dismissal, feeling like it was something I did wrong or that I somehow wasn’t good enough. They crippled my confidence so badly that it took years torebuild, only for them to start dismantling it again the second I arrived at training camp.
The mate bond doesn’t un-do the years of damage inflicted by those boys. I’m still harboring so much animosity toward them that I’m not sure I’ll be able to get past it. And while I’m all for second chances, I can’t decide if they deserve one, especially considering what’s at stake.
After all that’s happened between us, how could I possibly trust them with my heart?
It probably doesn’t even matter, anyways. Despite Uncle Gray’s anecdote, I’m still not convinced that having two mates is possible. Even if both bonds could be sealed, trying to balance relationships with two men just seems like a recipe for disaster, bound to end in bloodshed. Being intensely possessive of our mate is part and parcel of shifter nature. The boys may be playing nice right now, but it’s only a matter of time before they come to realize just how impossible this situation really is.
I suppose it would make the most sense just to choose one of them, but the thought of doing that feels just as ludicrous. Seb and Ace have always been a package deal; they’re two sides of the same coin. I loved them each in very different ways, but that love was always equal. Looking back to when I was harboring those crushes, I never envisioned my future with just one of them. It was always both.
I wish there was a simple solution to all this, but fate seems intent on throwing me curveballs.
When I return to the squad complex on Monday morning, I’m dreading facing Seb and Ace. Even more than that, I’m terrified they might’ve told someone about this whole fated mates mess. I’ve had more than enough gossip about me slung around the recruit barracks– the last thing I need right now is the constant whispers on top of everything else I’m already dealing with. I hope the two of them actually respected myrequest to keep their mouths shut, but then again, it’s not like they’ve got a great track record when it comes to making my life difficult.
As I walk through the gate onto the practice field, I have one of those moments where it feels like everyone stops talking and simultaneously turns to look my way. My stomach immediately bottoms out, my heart hammering in my chest as Hayden rushes over, her violet ponytail blowing in the breeze and her eyes rounded in concern.
“What’s going on?” I ask nervously as she approaches, my gaze darting back and forth over the other recruits.
Hayden grabs onto my arm, leaning in and dropping her voice to a whisper. “Girl, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you all weekend, where have you been?!” she hisses.
Shit, I hadn’t even considered the fact that she was probably freaking out when I went M.I.A. after the full moon run.
“Sorry, I went to stay with my cousins and left my phone at home,” I mumble, wincing at how terrible that excuse sounds.Bottom line: I’m a shitty friend, and I need to do better.
“Is it true?” Gus asks breathlessly as he jogs up to join us, Kendrick following close behind.
My throat tightens in panic as I swing my gaze on him. “Is what true?” I choke out.
Goddamnit, theonething I asked of Seb and Ace was to keep this a secret. If they couldn’t honor that simple request, then there’s no way in hell that we’ll ever…
“Everyone’s saying Jake declared a challenge for Alpha rank!” Gus exclaims incredulously.
All the air leaves my lungs in a single, relieved whoosh of breath. “Oh, that,” I mutter.
“Yes,that!” Hayden echoes, gaping at me. “How are you not freaking out right now?”
“Probably because she knows she’s got this in the bag,” Kendrick drawls, tossing me a wink. “Don’t you, River?”
“Absolutely,” I agree with a confident lift of my chin. “I’m not afraid of Jake Decker.”
And that’s the truth. It isn’t Jake I’m scared of, it’s the challenge itself and the ramifications it’ll have on how my pack views me. I’ve always kept the truth of my wolf carefully hidden, but there’s no way to do that in a challenge.
My pulse ratchets up a notch as I imagine how it could all go down– the blood, the screams. I dig a hand into my pocket in an attempt to distract myself from that morbid visualization, pulling out a tube of chapstick, uncapping it, and swiping it over my lips.
“You think he’ll actually go through with it?” Gus asks, wide-eyed.
“He can’t take it back now,” I reply, smacking my lips together as I re-cap my chapstick and slip the tube back into my pocket. “He’s already declared the challenge and set a time and place for it to happen.”
“How fucking ballsy is that?” Hayden scoffs, glaring daggers in Jake’s direction across the practice field. It hasn’t escaped my notice that Chandler’s suddenly hanging all over him, laughing and flirting as if he’s some damn prize that she just happened to overlook before.Social climbing at its finest.
“It’s a whole new level of petty,” Gus agrees. “I mean, just because you turned him down, he thinks he can steal your birthright?” His freckled nose wrinkles in disgust as he follows Hayden’s gaze, scowling.
“I’m not sure whether he was even interested in me in the first place,” I grumble, avoiding joining them in looking Jake’s way since that fucker doesn’t deserve another second of my attention. “Pretty sure that was all just part of his grab for power.He probably figured if the two of us mated, he could slide right into the Alpha rank and nobody would even bat an eye.”