Page 95 of Never Bargain with the Boss

“Are you okay?” Grace asks me. Her eyes are narrowed, her gaze shrewd, and I know she won’t miss a thing. Especially my eyes, which I can feel are gritty, possibly bloodshot, and most definitely haunted.

I lick my lips, forcing life into my voice. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you? I was so worried about you, but you were already asleep when I got here last night.”

She shrugs, trying to play yesterday off, but I heard her voice on the phone, felt her fear when she hugged me after coming out of her hiding spot. “I’m fine.” We’re both faking, one hundred percent lying as we try to speak being okay into reality. “Where’s Riley?” Grace looks around like Riley might be hiding under a couch cushion or behind the curtains.

This is it. The moment I have to tell her that Riley is gone. But I can’t do it, not all at once. I don’t want to rip that Band-Aid off when she’s already had so much loss in her life.

“She has some stuff to deal with, so she’s not here right now.” Baby steps, carefully planting seeds that I can slowly foster into becoming our new reality.

A life without Riley.

It sounds awful. It feels worse.

Grace’s brows furrow as she thinks about my answer, but then she nods. “That makes sense. That Austin guy really scared her, huh? Want some pancakes? Riley showed me how to make them from scratch, and Uncle Cole probably has the stuff.”

She heads into the kitchen, helping herself to the containers of flour and sugar in the pantry and then opening the fridge. She pulls out milk and eggs, then stares at the ingredients she’s compiled. I can nearly see her checking the recipe in her mind.

But what I’m stuck on is Grace saying that Austin really scared Riley. But in that awful moment, she did what she had to so that Grace was as safe as possible. I heard her telling the police that she sent Grace upstairs to keep her out of sight, told her to call for help, trusting that Cole would understand the situation. She’d kept herself between Grace and Austin, ready to fight him with everything she had if it became necessary, and then she’d kept him talking, distracting him so that the police and backup would have time to get there. She did all that while her heart was racing, her fear was building, and her past ghosts came out to haunt her with a sly grin that threatened everything.

I understand all that on some deep level. I truly do. But it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Grace does indeed make pancakes for everyone. Cole and Janey eat them happily, though their smiles are strained, praising both her efforts and results. I swallow one, not tasting it at all but telling her that it’s delicious. She preens, crediting Riley with teaching her. Cole and Janey stare daggers at me. If I could feel anything, I’d probably be upset about that, but I’m numb, so I don’t give a shit.

When we get home at half past ten, Grace hesitantly asks, “Sooo… no school today?”

As a rule, I don’t let Grace skip school unless she’s got a fever or is throwing up. And there was the one time she had to miss for a riding competition. But I take school attendance seriously. Today, I don’t give a fuck. I want her here, with me, where I can keep my eyes on her and know she’s safe. I shake my head. “Movie marathon?” I offer. “Or we can watch whatever K-drama you’re into.” I won’t be able to read subtitles right now, but since I’m just going to stare at the screen anyway, it doesn’t matter.

“A movie’s fine. Riley and I are on episode seventeen ofAlchemy of Souls, but she’d kill me if I watch without her.”

I bite my tongue, not telling her that she’ll have to finish the series on her own.

We make a nest of blankets on the huge couch in the media room and Grace turns on something with actors who are obviously in their late twenties but are playing characters in their teens. I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t matter. She watches the movie, and I watch Grace out of the side of my eye.

I could’ve lost her.

But my heart is broken because I did lose something… someone… Riley. And that’s starting to sink in the more I’m home. I can feel her absence here.

It’s so quiet.

There’s no humming, no singing, no bracelets jangling as she flits about doing this and that. There’s no life. She took it with her, leaving me dead inside again.

It’s too quiet.

We have to get back to normal. Or whatever normal was before Riley.

I get up early, having not slept again, and do a quick run on the treadmill, make my shake and force it down, and get dressed for work—boring black suit, plain white shirt, bland black tie, dull solid socks. I make Grace microwave pancakes, thankful there’s still some in the freezer, even if they’re a little frostbitten.

I kiss Grace on the forehead and she runs out to Mom, who agreed to take her to school today. Janey is going to pick her up this afternoon.

I go to work. I sit in a meeting, silently scowling as people talk about profits and losses, not giving a shit about any of it. Jeannie asks if I want lunch and I tell her no. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to read another memo, I don’t want anything.

I want Riley.

Goddammit. I push away from my desk, walking over the window and staring out at the horizon. Is she out there somewhere? Close? Far away? That I don’t even know is a stabbing pain in my gut. I could call her, but what would I say? I’m sorry? I am, but that doesn’t change anything.

After Michelle died, putting Grace first was natural. She was all I had left.

This feels different.