Page 47 of Wicked Promises
She squeezes, turning away from the doorway and toward me.
“He’ll be okay.” It’s me this time, reassuring her. It’s a bravado.
He might not be. He might…
I close my eyes and hold on tighter, hanging on to my apology.
Cindy and Jeff, my last foster parents, would’ve urged us to pray about it. They thought God could fix everything He wanted to—and if things had a shitty outcome, well, at least we learned a lesson.
Utter bullshit.
I take off my jacket—I had forgotten I was even wearing it—and fold it over the arm of a chair. I sit and contemplate reaching for my new phone, but my hands are trembling too badly. Caleb is at hockey practice, I think. Riley might be home.
If I was in a better state, I’d reach out. Ask them for support. But it seems like an unnecessary burden, so I stay still.
Lenora paces by the door.
Finally, minutes or hours later, a doctor comes to see us.
“Robert was rushed into emergency surgery,” she says. “He has a pulmonary embolism. In other words, a blood clot in the lung. This particular kind he has can be quite severe.”
“Was it because he got out of bed?” I ask from the corner of the room, covering my mouth with my hands. Still, the words slip out before I can stop them.
Lenora shakes her head. “No.”
“The PE could’ve been caused by a number of things. We also discovered that the site of the chest tube had become infected.” The doctor clears her throat and focuses on me. “Was him getting out of bed the cause? Probably not. There’s no way to know for sure, so you shouldn’t think it was because of you.”
I bite my lip. Part of me doesn’t want to accept that dismissal of blame.
I can’t let it go.
“How long is the surgery? Is he… did you catch it in time?” Lenora asks.
“Removing the blood clot is a minimally invasive surgery. The surgeon is going to remove it and also clean out the infection. We’ll update you once we know more, but we caught it. That’s the important part.”
Lenora lets out a long breath at the same time my entire body shudders.
As soon as the doctor leaves, she falls into the seat next to me. “He can pull through this.”
“How do you do it?” I ask.
She tilts her head and raises her eyebrow.
“I mean… the emotions. Everything in the past week. How are you still standing?”
She lets out a little laugh. “I’m still standing?”
We’re quiet for a moment.
“No, I’m functioning. You’ll be surprised at how much you can endure before you shut down.” She blinks at the ceiling.“But, I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to scream. Every single moment he was in the ICU. Even now.”
I understand that.
“Love can be beautiful. But it can also be a terrible burden.”
My eyes burn. My thoughts jump to Caleb. Of course they do.
“Is it better to be alone?”