Page 44 of I Am Sin
“Right. I get it.”
“I don’t have any talent to do anything other than drumming, so I want to get some private students, but I don’t even know how to do that.”
“There are websites you can hang out a shingle on,” Tim says.
“I know, but still, that’ll take time. I don’t really have time.” I absentmindedly scoot the leftover crumbs on my plate around with my fork. “I think I should maybe just get a job.”
“You could do that, but you’ll have to quit as soon as your band gets back together.”
“Yeah. I know. If I were home on the western slope, I could do odd jobs. That’s pretty much how I made a living—well, that and the dispensary—and I had the flexibility to play with the band as well.”
“You could do odd jobs here.”
“How? Again, I’d have to go on some website and advertise my services. Back home, everybody knew me and always knew to call me when they needed something done.”
“Dragon, what’s this really about?” Tim says, his tone a bit pissy.
I breathe in a deep breath and decide to admit something that I’ve barely admitted to myself. “This woman I’m staying with. Diana Steel. I find myself… I’m attracted to her. I mean,reallyattracted to her. In a way that I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to anyone. I’ve never even had a real relationship. Always figured I was too fucked up for that.”
“Finding a woman attractive doesn’t have to be a bad thing, Dragon.”
I sigh. “She’s way out of my league. She’s gorgeous and rich and smart and amazing. And I’m just…”
“You’re a good man, Dragon. You know that. Your past doesn’t have to rule your life. You’ve done a good job with that so far.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah… When I was allowed to have a beer or a toke every now and then.”
“You’re an enigma for sure,” Tim says. “Most addicts can’t control themselves the way you did. But I honestly think that if you had gone stone-cold sober, cold turkey, the first time, you probably wouldn’t have had that relapse in London.”
I nod, knowing Tim can’t see me. We’ve had this discussion before. I don’t know that I agree with him, but he’s the expert.
“I shouldn’t have gone to the party,” I say.
“Why do you say that?”
I frown. “I’m clearly not ready to be around drugs.”
“You made it to the rehearsal dinner and wedding.”
“I did, but that was just alcohol. It’s easier to decline alcohol. Drugs are another story. Something about being high… It just takes all the shit in the world away.”
“But it doesn’t,” he says.
“Yeah, I know. It’s temporary.”
“Tell me more about the woman you’re living with. About these feelings you’re having.”
“Feelings?” I scoff into the phone. “They’re notfeelings, Tim. I’m attracted to her. I get a hard-on when she’s around. If you saw her, you would too.”
Tim chuckles. “Are you forgetting that I’m gay?”
“No. I’m saying she’sthatgoddamned beautiful.”
He pauses a moment. “You sure it’s just attraction? That there are no feelings involved?”
“Of course I’m sure,” I huff. “I hardly know the woman.”
“You must know her well enough to feel comfortable living in her home.”