Page 112 of Hurry Up And Wait

“Shouldn’t you be with Fox somewhere?”

I could see the anger swimming in her eyes, the tears that she refused to let fall. She was crashing. I knew it, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I was barely hanging on myself. All I had was anger on my side. Anger and revenge. It was all that kept me going when I woke up in a cold sweat from the nightmares that plagued me. Most nights, I couldn’t even get a solid four hours in before I had to go to the training center and work off the overwhelming rage pouring through my veins.

“Cash…Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m working. That’s what’s going on.”

“You’re hardly taking any jobs. All you’re focused on is revenge.”

“Because that’s all I have!” I shouted.

Her breath caught in her throat and her body stiffened at my words. “All you have? What about me? What about our kids? Do they not deserve you?”

I shook my head, unable to explain it to her. She didn’t know what I had done. No one had told her, and I wasn’t about to. I couldn’t even begin to speak the horrible words—to tell her that I had pulled the trigger and killed my own brother. I couldn’t admit that I hadn’t been able to save him when it counted. He would have been able to save me. He would have lied, deceived, and killed anyone to get to me.

But I was too weak.

I had always been weaker than him. Rafe had a strength in him that I didn’t possess. He was always one step ahead of me, always pushing new boundaries and finding ways to win even when he was behind. I never felt like more of a failure than the moment I knew the only way to save my brother was to end his misery.

He begged me for it with his eyes.

And now I had to live the rest of my life replaying that moment in my mind. It would never leave me. I would always be the man who ended his brother’s life. I didn’t know how to be the husband or father she needed. She would be better off if she just lived her life and forgot about me.

“This isn’t like you, Cash. You’ve never put your own wants ahead of the company or the people you work with.”

I huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, and look where that got me.”

“It got you a strong community of men who would do anything for you. They went with you to take out The Syndicate. They fought alongside you. They would walk through fire for you, Cash! Why can’t you see that?”

“I do see that,” I snapped. “I know exactly who these men are. I know them a hell of a lot better than you.”

She stiffened, glaring at me. “Is that why you sent Kavanaugh off to work with his father?”

“He volunteered to do that.”

She huffed out a laugh. “Don’t give me that line of bullshit. You manipulated him. You’re not as much like Rafe as you’d like to be right now. He’s much better at keeping his motivations hidden than you are. And maybe you’re thinking that’s a downfall, but I’m glad of it. At least with you, I always know what I’m getting.” Then her hands fell to her sides and her shoulders slumped. “I used to know,” she said quietly. “I’m not sure I even recognize you anymore.”

“This is who I am, Eva. Take it or leave it—this is me.”

“No, this is who you think you need to be. One day, you’ll realize Rafe never wanted this for you. That’s why he never brought you in on his plans. You were always too good for the plans he had?—”

“Too good to help him?” I snapped. “I was a fucking sniper. I killedmore men than you’ll ever know. Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do!”

“That’s not what I meant and not the way he saw you either!” She took a steadying breath, shaking her head at me. “He saw you as his better half. When he pretended to be you, why do you think he wouldn’t touch me?”

“Because he knew I’d fucking kill him,” I snarled.

“That and because he never wanted to hurt you. All this time, I thought Rafe was selfish and…basically the worst person on the face of the earth. But now I see what he did for you.”

I didn’t want to hear any more of this. It only added to my self-hatred.

“He protected you because he didn’t want you to become him.”

“Get out!” I shouted, losing my cool. “Get the fuck out, Eva!”

She didn’t jump. She didn’t look shocked. Hell, she didn’t even look angry at me. She nodded and turned on her heel, leaving me in peace.

But peace was never going to come.