Page 103 of Play the Last Card
If I do, she’ll close herself off entirely. She will hide away from the world until all the delayed grief that seems to be bubbling to the surface is back in a neat little box. I will lose her to her own mind.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I ask quietly, my thumb catching her tears.
She shakes her head, her eyes closing. Another few tears drip from the ends of her lashes where they rest against her cheeks. I wipe them away, too.
“It hurts,” she says shakily, “It hurts so much.”
“What hurts?” I have my suspicions yet I want her to say it out loud. To admit it to me.
She’s grieving.
“I can’t … I …” She sucks in air like the mere thought of vocalizing her pain only causing her more. I take a deep breath.
“Can I kiss you? Please?” I ask. I wait until she nods before pressing a gentle, lingering kiss to her lips. When I pull away, I rest my forehead to hers. She sniffs and it makes me smile, just a little.
My girl is trying to be so strong right now.
“It’s okay to be scared, Ives,” I murmur. “You’re working through a lot in that head of yours. I wish you would let me help you but I know that sometimes, admitting you need help is hardest even to those closest to you. Do you think talking to someone who isn’t me might help? I could do some research. Find someone—”
“No. No, I won’t … I don’t need to do that.” She is shaking in my embrace now. Shivering in my arms. “Maybe … maybe I just need some space.”
My stomach lurches. No.
No way.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I say through clenched teeth and try to remain calm. This girl is beautiful, and funny, and I’m pretty sure my soulmate but fuck she is infuriating.
I stroke my fingers down her throat, finding her pulse point and counting silently to ten in my head. Her pulse is racing. Beating so fast under the tips of my fingers. I wrap my arms around her and pull her into my chest.
If she isn’t ready to talk to someone, then I can’t force her.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she says into my chest. “But everything is too much. I can’t … I feel like I’m not strong enough to handle this. I’ll figure it out and then it will be fine.”
I can’t be sure if she’s talking to me or to herself so I stay silent, holding her close to my chest. The chest she fits so fucking perfectly against. Like she is custom built to fit me, in every way.
Yeah. No. We’re not breaking up.
“I’ll go sleep at my place,” I say quietly. The decision seems to break her resolve and I can’t be sure if it’s because she’s upset that I’m doing as she asks or just relief in not having to make the decision herself. “But we’re not breaking up. So no ignoring my texts for weeks this time, okay?”
She manages a small, broken laugh that muffles straight into my chest.
“We’re not breaking up,” I repeat. I pull back a little, my hands snaking up her arms to gently wrap around her neck, holding her head in place so I can say this while staring directly into her eyes. “You can have as much time as you need to get your head around it all. You can have your space. But we are not done. I’m not done. And when you’re ready, if you want, I am here to help you figure it out.”
Then because it’s probably the last time for a while that I’m going to get to, I kiss her.
Thoughtfully, and long, and sealing of a future that I will fight on both sides for until she’s ready.
***
Waking up in the king-sized bed this morning felt all wrong.
I searched for her the moment I woke up and the events of the night before came rushing back to me the minute my hands found a cold, empty bed.
Fuck.
My chest hurts already and it’s been less than twelve hours since I was with her. Not for the first time today, I rub at the pain as I wait in the hospital room. I’m early today. The bag of cheeseburgers from Shake Shack sits on the table beside me and I fidget with my phone.
I lean back on the couch and close my eyes. Ivy’s face fills the black behind my eyes and I rub my chest again.