Page 81 of Torn
I’m pretty sure there’s now a seat in hell with my name engraved on it. Sleep is impossible for me when mere inches away from my pillow is a four-inch device that holds all my deepest desires, fantasies, and sins. It’s way too tempting. I’ve tried to be strong. I’ve tried to keep her away and yet still hold on to our special bond, but it’s all crumbling around me.
Exiling her from my life isn’t an option. Not talking to her? Not seeing her? Giving up our little us-isms? No fucking way. It would be like cutting off one of my own limbs.
In the discreet darkness of my bedroom, I transfer her photos to my laptop, where I can analyze every detail of her forbidden curves. Every little birthmark. Some I’ve actually kissed, at a time when it was simply cute and innocent between us. The playful lift of her smile and her enticing mossy-green eyes seduce me from the fifteen-inch screen. She’s given me the gift of being able to ravish her with my eyes here in the privacy of my house and the chance to play out my fantasies with the help of my right hand.
Hello, Satan. I know you’ve been waiting patiently for me since the demise of the good and noble Uncle Tor. I have a feeling I’ll be staying here awhile.
CHAPTER 19
Tor—age fifteen
Ember—age fourteen
Asher—age fifteen
Being shy sucks. It took me weeks of smiling at the new girl in our class, Ember, to work up the balls to ask her if I could walk her home after school. She’s shy, too, though, and now we’re walking in awkward silence. I want to hold her hand, but I can’t tell if she wants me to. I’ve got my guitar with me, slung over my back in its case since I’m playing in a school project, so I ask her if she wants to stop at the park and listen to me play. I lose myself in the music when I play, and it always calms me down, stripping me of my insecurities. One thing I know I do well is create music and write lyrics.
“Sure,” she says. “I do some singing. I’m not great, but I love to do it anyway. If it makes your ears hurt, I promise I’ll stop.”
It turns out she does, in fact, have an amazing voice, and my shyness starts to fade as we sit at a picnic table and I play some of her favorite hit songs and she sings along. I try not to stare at her, but it’s hard not to. She’s one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen, and the fact that we both have a passion for music is a surprise bonus I wasn’t expecting.
“I thought I heard you twanging over here, man.” Asher’s raspy voice breaks into my daydream of asking Ember out to a movie this weekend.
“Hey,” I say as he approaches us. “Do you know Ember? She just moved here last month. Ember, this is Asher Valentine.” Asher is way more outgoing than I am, so maybe he can help us break the conversation ice.
“Actually, we haven’t met yet,” he says, giving her his full attention. “Wow, you’ve got some gorgeous eyes.” He grabs his chest. “Shit. There goes my heart.”
“Nice to meet you.” She giggles and gives her dazzling smile over to him. “Are you guys brothers?” she asks.
Asher laughs. “Nah. Everyone thinks that, but we’re just friends.”
“You guys look a lot alike. I actually thought you were the same person when I first saw you in the halls. It took me a few days to realize you weren’t.”
“It’s definitely not on purpose,” I say. “Just a weird coincidence. Ash has a younger brother who looks like him, too. And I guess, a lot like me.”
Asher flashes a grin. “God thought I was so perfect he wanted to make some backups of me.” He winks at Ember. “Just in case.”
She giggles again, and I can feel myself slipping into the background. “You’re that perfect?” she asks.
“Yup.”
Her head tilts and she can’t seem to take her eyes off him, and he’s staring right back at her like I wish I had the courage to before he showed up. Suddenly, it’s like I’m not even here, and my daydreams wither away.
Defeated, I put my guitar back in its case and snap it shut. “I should get going.”
“Oh…,” Ember says, looking from me to Asher, like she’s torn between us.
“I’m going to hang out here for a while and then go over to the diner for a burger,” Asher says, still holding her attention. “You want to stay and talk for a while? I’ll buy you dinner and walk you home.”
“I’d love to.” She turns to me. “You don’t mind, do you, Toren?”
I shake my head and force a smile. “No, not at all.”
But the truth is, I did mind. I minded a lot.
KENZI
Tor’s texts have meaflutter. That’s the only word I can think of to describe this new feeling. I think my gram would be impressed with that word. My insides are shaking, rattling, and rolling all about, and I can’t get my heart to settle back down into normal, calm beats. I’ve been lying in bed for an hour since we said good night, but I’m tooaflutteredto sleep.