Page 59 of Torn
“We always have, Tor. For like my entire life.”
“I know, and that was obviously a mistake on my part.”
My throat clenches along with my heart. “So you regret all the time you’ve spent with me?” My entire life flashes before my eyes, wondering if every memory of us together was nothing but annoyance for him while it meant so much to me.
“No, Angel. Not one minute. But I think now that you’re older, it has to stop. You should be with friends your own age. Find guys your age to date. And I should be spending time with women my age and not with you. This is all fucking wrong.” He puts his hands up and backs away from me.
“But it doesn’t feel wrong,” I protest weakly.
His eyes are hard as steel. “It’s wrong. Trust me. We should never be touching or kissing, for any reason.”
“I can’t believe you want me to go away,” I say in disbelief.
“I think it’s for the best,” he says simply, his walls building up again.
“For you, maybe.”
“No, for both of us. But especially for you. You just can’t see it.”
“That’s total bullshit. I like being with you. And being kissed by you is amazing—”
He grabs my shoulders and bends down to get at eye level with me. “Stop!” he hisses. “It’s just a crush, Kenzi. It’s normal for your age. It’ll go away.”
I scoff at him. “A crush? If that’s all it is, then why do you feel the same way, Tor? You’re a little old for a crush, aren’t you?”
“I don’t even fucking know anymore, Kenzi. I just know we need to get away from each other.”
I can’t even fathom wanting to get away from him. All I want is to get closer to him, not farther away.
“I don’t know what to say,” I say. “I’m confused.”
“So am I,” he says softly, releasing my shoulders. “I’m trying to be honest with you, Kenzi. But this is really hard because I also have to do the right thing. I can’t let emotions get in the way of reality.”
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“It means that I’m all fucked up. I have feelings for you I shouldn’t have. I’m not going to lie to you about that. But I have to be the adult here and do the right thing. This can’t happen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“I’m not a baby, Tor. I’m going to be eighteen in less than two months. That’s an adult.”
“It’s still wrong in like twenty other ways.”
I look into his eyes, pleading. “I don’t want to believe that.”
“We shouldn’t even be having conversations like this, Kenzi. I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore.” He crosses the room and grabs his water and bottle of pills off the coffee tableand gulps down another handful of painkillers and muscle relaxers. “I really think you should go now. Please.”
I reach for the doorknob, my emotions a tornado inside. Hearing him admit he has feelings for me makes me want to throw my arms around him and hug him into oblivion, but he’s taking it all away and hiding it like it’s some kind of dirty secret that needs to be destroyed, and he wants me to go with it.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg. “Don’t push me away.”
“Kenzi, don’t make this worse for us. I’m in a ton of pain right now. I can barely think straight from that and all the pills I’ve taken. I’m trying to be gentle about this, but I just need you gone.”
Gone.Over and done with. No more. Done. Finished. Ended. That’s what he wants.
My unwanted heart cracks.
“You’re a jerk,” I choke out. “You want me gone? Then fine, I’m gone.”
His shoulders slump in defeat. “Don’t say shit like that to me.”