Page 118 of Torn

“Oh.” I meant to justthinkthe word, but it seeped out of my mouth with its tonal mix of part disappointment, part surprise, and part sadness.

“I’m usually good with words, Kenz. But you make me a fuckin’ mess.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He recedes back into his quiet mode, staring at the floor.

“Maybe I should go,” I say softly.

He grabs my hand. “No, don’t go.”

“We don’t have to talk, Tor. You don’t owe me any kind of answer or explanation. I’m just as confused as you are.”

“No… wedohave to talk. We can’t go into this just blind. You know how I feel about relationships and sex. It’s not a game.”

“It isn’t for me either. I hope you know that?”

“I do, but I also want to make sure you’re with me because you really want to be, not just to go along with what I want. I can’t stand the thought of you or anyone else thinking I used the fact that I’m older than you to coerce you or something.”

My eyes bug out at him. “Are you serious right now?”

“Fuck yeah, I am.”

“I’m my own person, Tor. You didn’t coerce me. I’m not even sure I know what that means in this context, to be honest.”

“It means to force, or intimidate.”

“No. Actually, I think I pursued you more than you pursued me.”

He lets out a big sigh. “Let’s not even talk about that part.”

I cross my arms across my chest. “There was no coercion. Or games. Or hypnosis. Or voodoo dolls,” I say. “There was just me falling for you all on my own and making wishes on a shit ton of pennies.”

That gets him to smile again. “You’re so fuckin’ adorable.”

“So are you.”

I think he actually blushes. “You’re the only person I’d ever let get away with calling me cute and adorable, ya know.”

“Nobody else better be thinking of you that way,” I tease back. “I don’t want to have to get all beast mode on someone.”

“Trust me, no one else is. You in beast mode sounds sexy, so let’s just change the subject before I forget what I wanted to say.”

The kitten jumps up on his lap and squishes into the small space between us, purring and making herself comfortable for a nap, and Diogee has settled at his feet, with his head resting on top of Tor’s foot. I love how they love him because I feel it, too. Just like them, I want to curl up against him and be as close to him as possible.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve felt really passionate about anything, Kenzi. When I was younger, it was my music. I lived and breathed it. It was my world. I was so fuckin’ close to getting that dream.” Dark regret shrouds his eyes and steals his smile away.

My heart sinks for him and his grief over his dreams. “I know how hard that was for you, Tor. My parents talked about it a lot.”

“Giving that up sucked. It hurt to see your parents move on because we were a team. It was always supposed to be the three of us making it big together. Watching from the sidelines wrecked me in so many ways. So I thrust myself into riding, and my work with Devils’ Wolves, and you.” He glances away from me and stares across the room. “Every time I saw you, it was like a sense of peace just came over me. I can’t describe it. Being around you took away all the anger and regret I felt about losing my father and having to quit the band and take care of the business and my family. You were like my little oasis that I could escape to.” He turns back to me. “I guess that sounds like a pretty fucked-up thing to say about a little kid, huh?”

I swallow over the emotion welling in my throat. “No, Tor. Not at all. Weren’t you the only one who could get me to stop crying? To get me to go to sleep at night? I love my parents to death, and I have an amazing family, but you’ve always been the one I gravitated to. Whether you want to admit it or not, we’ve always had a connection, or a chemistry, call it what you want,and it’s changed and evolved as we’ve gotten older. And ya know what? I don’t think it’s bad in any way at all. I think it’s something beautiful and special and incredibly rare. How many people can say that they have loved the same person their entire life, in so many different ways?”

“Probably not many.”

“Exactly. When I look at you, I don’t see my father’s friend, or my uncle, or my godfather, or an older man. All I see is the person I’ve always loved and who has always made me safe and happy. That’s it. I just seeyou.”

His head falls back against the couch and he closes his eyes. “You say that so beautifully.”