Page 107 of Torn
“Of course. You can use my shower. I’ll wait here for you.” He reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze, then picks my clothes up off the floor where he threw them, his hands shaking as he holds them out to me. “I think your shirt is in the kitchen.” He stands and walks over to his dresser and comes back with oneof his T-shirts for me to wear. I try not to stare at his body as he stands there completely naked, but it’s hard not to look when he’s all muscles and ink and so damn beautiful.
“Thank you,” I say softly. “I won’t be long.”
“Take as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.” He pulls me to him and kisses my lips before I disappear into his private bathroom, which I’ve actually never used before today. I’ve always used the bathroom and shower in the main hallway of the house. It feels intimate being alone in his bathroom, using his soap and shampoo, but I like it because it all smells like him. The warm shower feels soothing, and I briefly wonder if I’m supposed to somehow clean my insides since he came inside me or if it just comes out on its own or stays there or what. I feel completely clueless and stupid. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about things like this? Did I space out in sex ed and miss the parts that covered all this? I know I can ask Tor anything but that seems like plastering a big I HAVE ZERO EXPERIENCE across my forehead. And even though he knows I’m a virgin (or was until a few minutes ago), I don’t feel like I should make it even more obvious. I’m going to have to talk to Chloe or Rayne about this sex stuff. I can just tell them I’m curious or dating someone they don’t know, and hope they don’t grill me for too many details.
Oh God. I’m going to have to keep a huge part of my life a secret from my friends and family. For how long?
I rinse the conditioner out of my hair and turn the water off. I can’t think about all of that right now and let my mind start racing out of control with questions and worries. My mom always told me to take things day by day and step-by-step and not worry about things until it was the right time to worry about it.
But when is the right time? How will I know?
That familiar stab slices through my chest at memories of mymom. I wish she were here so badly. I know I could tell her the truth about Tor and she would understand without judging us or making us feel like we were partaking in some evil act. She’d answer all my questions, calm my fears, and give me hope that it would all be okay. She’d talk to my dad and get him to accept us as a couple. She’d work her magic and make it better for all of us.
After I towel off and dress, I open the bathroom door to see Tor still sitting on the bed, only now he’s wearing jeans rather than sitting there completely naked. He’s made the bed and put our shoes neatly next to the door. He still appears to be deep in thought and I’m worried he’s going to tell me we have to forget this ever happened between us, like he did the first time we kissed.
“Come here, beautiful,” he says, patting the spot next to him, and when I do, he turns to me, holds my face in his hands, and gives me a long, deep kiss that shakes me right down to my toes.
“I wasn’t planning on this today, Kenz,” he says when he pulls away. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? Why?”
“It’s just not how I wanted it to happen. I would have been slower, more gentle. Made it more special for you with candles and rose petals or something.”
“Tor… every moment was perfect. I wouldn’t change anything.”
“I would. Your first time should have been special, and probably not with me.”
Tears immediately spring to my eyes, something that seems to be becoming a habit for me. “Don’t say that. I only want it to ever be you,” I say, sniffling. “I don’t care about slow and gentle. I care about you just being you and not holding back or hiding your feelings. You made me feel loved and wanted.”
“You are. More than you know.”
“Was it disappointing for you?” I hate when my mouth takeson a life of its own and asks questions that I really don’t want to hear the answer to.
“What? Are you crazy? I nearly lost my mind. You put me in a friggin’ frenzy. It’s taking every bit of self-control I have to not throw you back down on the bed right now and never take you back home. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get enough of you.”
Despite being newly raw and torn, my insides respond to his words by quivering, and my pulse picks up speed. I want him to touch me again. I want to feel him everywhere and get lost in that indescribable euphoria of him again. I lay my hand on his leg, my fingers reaching for his muscular thigh. “You can do that.”
He breaks out into a wide grin that makes my heart swoon. “Don’t tempt me, please. You’re going to be sore.”
“I don’t care if it hurts.”
“I do.”
“So… we’re going to do it again? Someday?” I ask shyly.
He lets out a long sigh. “Kenzi… we need to think for a few days, okay? If we do this—try to be together—it’s not going to be easy. It’ll be messy as fuck.”
“I know. But if we both want it, we’ll find a way to make it work, right? Isn’t that what people do?”
“Yes… but there’s just a lot involved we have to think about. No matter what, Kenzi… I don’t want you to get hurt or start your life in the middle of a secret affair. You know I want better than that for you.”
“You’rewhat’s best for me.
He chuckles sarcastically. “You’re the only one that will think that.”
“Isn’t that all that matters?” I shoot back at him.
He covers my hand on his leg with his. “I wish. But your father is my best friend, Kenzi. I love him just as much as I love you. I’veknown your entire family since I was seven years old. They matter to me.Youmatter to them. What my own family will think matters to me. How people might treat you matters to me.” Any trace of a smile fades from his face, replaced with overwhelming worry. “My head is fucking spinning.”