Page 86 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1

I know my actions of late haven’t exactly shown that we share that kind of special bond, but there are some things between us that the public and no one other than us know and would understand.As soon as I saw her again, those feelings were reawakened, and it was as if time had not gone by.Reconciliation after the pain and suffering I had caused wasn’t the unclimbable mountain it had appeared to be in my once fractured mind.

As soon as I laid eyes on her, something in me recognized that special something in her, and all I wanted was to come home.There’s no denying that she’s my anchor, that she’s that one thing in this world that I need to be a complete me.My issue now is, am I still the same for her?

It hit me harder than anything else had in the last five years just seeing her.I didn’t expect the impact or how it would make me feel, and what I felt was not good.I could blame any number of people for what went down between us, but in the end, I was the one she trusted most as she said; I was the one who should’ve protected her and our love.

Now looking back, there were so many things I could’ve done differently, so many ways in which I could’ve thwarted them, but I was too dumb to see it.I’ve decided to stop blaming high for everything that happened in the past; it was the only way I could see to take accountability for my actions so that I didn’t make the same mistakes again.So, in the end, it was all on me.

I was a wretch to her way before any of this happened.Those times when she was the only one who was really there for me, I took her for granted; I took us for granted.I think, in some ways, I never expected us to last, nothing in this town ever does, and it just always seemed as if the odds were stacked against us.

We were so young when we started, and the truth is that beyond Hollywood, neither of us had any good examples of what a long-lasting relationship looked like in our personal lives.Both our parents were divorced, and there weren’t that many happy couples around us to look up to.There were no healthy relationships from which to take guidance.

I realized that I would act up when things were at their best, but after much thought, I believe that it was some kind of underlying fear that made me that way—the fear of one day losing her and the happiness she brought into my life.

According to Tyler and Zak, I’m the king of self-sabotage, something I didn’t even know was a thing, but now that I look back on it, it is hitting the nail on the head.I had to lose her to realize what she really meant to me, but I’ll never let that happen again.Now that I have her promise to give me another chance or to at least let me try to earn it, there’s no way I’m going to lose her again.

As for the others, the ones who put a wedge between us, I have lots in store for them.I hadn’t told Janie about the divorce or the fact that she stood to gain nothing because I’d had her sign a postnup that day as well, leaving her nothing.

Once I came to my senses and got the gist of what was really going on, I was bothered by the thought of giving her any of what belonged to Elena by rights, the thought of her and her family or anyone else benefiting from the pain they’d caused her.

The postnup and everything else I’d done that day were so ironclad that there was no way for it to be broken.I have the Saunders family to thank for that, and though I’ll never know why they were so invested—Tyler and Zak’s reassurances that it was because of their nieces seem too farfetched to believe—I’m still forever grateful.

Whatever the case, whoever was behind the screen blasting Mary and the others with daily updates exposing their most well-kept secrets to the world would forever have my undying gratitude.The person had done more in the last few weeks than I could’ve achieved in a year, and their sources of information seemed nonending.I’m only glad that I’m not their enemy, or they’d have made mincemeat out of my ass.

I’ve already suffered a tongue-lashing from them, albeit it was sent in an email that somehow had no return address and no IP either; I'm not sure how that’s done, but whatever.I was warned of what would happen to me if I messed up again and how they would do worse to me than they had the others if I broke her heart again.

I’m not sure why, but more than Tyler and Zak’s threats, that one sticks with me.It came after I’d complained about them telling Elena’s fans to stop wishing for us to get back together.I saw that as them saying they didn’t want us together again and was highly affronted.

Obviously, Tyler and Zak had snitched because how else would this MengeLiNi person know what I’d said in my mini rant?It was only a few hours later that the email came through, blaming me for all that had happened in scorching terms and telling me all that would happen to me going forward if I didn’t get my shit together.And I was supposed to believe that three little girls had written that.

I was brave enough to ask them why they’d addressed the fans like that, and their answer was that I was still indeed married, and anyone wishing for me to get back together with Elena in that state was, in essence, asking her to commit adultery, something they, along with their ‘uncles’ were heavily against it seems.

I was almost tempted to believe that they were, in fact, little girls because of the underlying hint of hero worship for Elena and me in their prose.If little ten-year-old girls were showing me up, then it was a given that I needed to get my shit together, as they put it.

She made a sound in her sleep and curled into my side, and I wrapped my arms more firmly around her.There’s no peace like the peace I feel when we’re together like this.How I’ve missed it, missed her and who I am when I’m with her.Looking back on the last five years without her, it’s a wonder I made it this long.I could actually breathe again, and it felt amazing.

I find myself in a bit of a dilemma now that the dust has somewhat settled, though, because I hadn’t been completely honest with her.Not because I wanted to hurt her, but quite the opposite; what I was keeping from her would hurt her to the core, and that’s why I’ve held off on sharing, but I know that if I want us to be open and honest with each other, there’s no way I can leave here without telling her the whole truth.

Then there was still the mess I’d left at home to deal with.I hadn’t mentioned anything to Janie or anyone else; as soon as I got the confirmation that my divorce was final, my only thought was getting to Elena.Then the phone call where Janie and the others were plotting to harm Elena came right on the heels of that great news, and I was in even more haste to get to her.

I didn’t know that she was being followed, but I’m glad for it because I trust those guys not to let anything happen to her on their watch, but I know now that I should be the one protecting her always.I didn’t realize it before; the thought never even crossed my mind.And it sucks that in the past, I was the one she needed protecting from more than anyone else.

I didn’t feel like walking away and leaving the mess for someone else to clean up, not like in times past, but I hated the thought of being the one to hurt her even further.Still, I can’t leave it to someone else to do.There’s so much that needs doing, but without her consent, my hands are tied unless I make good on my threat and take her out of here against her will, which might not be the best move at this point, but something I’m giving serious thought to.

There’s one other option, but even that might draw her wrath.Knowing how loyal she is, even to those who’ve wronged her, I find myself less ready to share the last bit of news that I’ve been withholding, but now as the day grows late and I have to leave soon, there’s no way to put it off any longer.

If only she’d agree to leave with me right now, but I know she won’t.She has a life, a life that went on without me.There were times when we were together when people claimed she was feeding off of my fame, which I found laughable even then since she was the child star while I was the new kid on the block.

I’m not sure what it says about my effect on her since she’d blossomed more without me than she had when we were a couple.She’d branched out in ways that no one expected, and no one was prouder of her achievements than I am.I see why her enemies had been frothing at the mouth for the past five years, but there’s something I could’ve told them about my girl.She’s one of those people who come out swinging when backed into a corner.

Once I started looking back at the last five years through new eyes, it was clear to see the path she’d blazed and the heights she’d reached each time she came under attack.But something else I know is that when she’s hurt, when her heart is raw and wounded, she’s at her best.I’m not sure how that works; when I’m feeling attacked, I usually lick my wounds after raging out, but Elena has always been more levelheaded than I will ever be.

She has the grace and carriage of a queen, always has, and she’s smarter than most of the people in this town.Why Mary and the others who are after her haven’t noticed this about her yet is beyond me, but I guess that bunch only sees what they want.

There are still some things about the whole situation that bother me as well now that my head is clear.Even though we’d pieced together some of the reasons why Mary hated her and had gone to such lengths, and the fact that Matt and Scott saw her as a threat, as someone who would stand in the way of their program where my career and success was concerned, Mary’s part in this whole thing seems out of sync with reality.

For someone who’s made as many strides as she has with so little to offer, namely her talentless daughters who had all achieved millionaire status in a matter of five years and whose name was on everyone’s lips both here and around the world, why would one young girl’s refusal to be managed by her make her go to these extremes?

No matter how I searched, though, there were no answers, and I couldn’t exactly go asking, or it would show my hand too soon.The other thing that’s bothering me is the real reason why Tyler and Zak are here.They’ve been with me long enough for me to realize that there was more at play here than them trying to help me.