Page 77 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1
“But you know what?I’m going to find somebody who is going to love me and who’s going to accept that I have a love for you, but that love has been broken beyond repair.And that person is going to love me enough to want to heal your mistake, but that person will not be you.”
“I don’t accept that.I’m sorry, but there’s no fucking way.”He advanced, and I retreated.
“What are you gonna do about it, Ryder?”He kept coming until I was almost backed up against the kitchen island.
“What am I gonna do about it?You really want me to show you?”
“What are you talking about?Sex?Is that what you plan to do?Same old same old.Sex is nothing.I’m not the same little virgin you once had.I had plenty of sex when you weren’t around.”
“Say that shit again.”
“You wanna step out of my face?”
“No, I’m not gonna step out of your face, and I’m not going to leave.You wanna hurt me, go ahead, hurt me, hurt me all you want to hurt me.I deserve it.But I’m not leaving.And don’t you ever throw sex with someone else in my face again?Do you understand?”
“I understand that you lost your little toy, and you’re sulking.You have pets, Ryder.When your dog has chewed his little plushy toy to bits, and it’s no longer any good, and you’re afraid that pieces of it will probably choke him or something, don’t you go and get them a new one?You already got your new toy.I’m sorry if she’s broken, but I am nobody’s replacement.”
“I will never ask you to be that.No one can replace you; it’s impossible.I learned enough to know that without you, I’m only half a person, that the best part of me is missing.I couldn’t breathe, Elena, don’t you understand?I was only half alive without you there beside me.”
“I know that I will never, for as long as I live, be able to repay the debt that I owe you.I know that I am absolutely lost without you, and I can never make up for what I have done.Nobody knows that better than me, but I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”He had tears in his eyes, and I was not prepared for that.
“Don’t you dare, Ryder.Don’t you dare cry in front of me; don’t you do it.Don’t use your tears against me, don’t, just don’t.”My voice broke on the last word because I couldn’t bear it.I’ve never seen him cry, never seen him in so much pain.
“You’re telling me not to cry, and you’re crying.Why are my tears more precious than yours?Why are you crying?Do you know what your tears do to me?I can’t bear to see you cry; you know that it tears me up inside.Don’t weaponize your tears against me.”
“Fuck off, Ryder, just fuck all the way off.Go home; I’ve had enough.”
“I can’t, don’t you understand?I will die without you.Don’t turn me away.Your memories are not enough anymore; I can’t breathe, don’t you understand?I need you to survive.As selfish as it sounds, I can’t live another day without you.I won’t.”
Why are you my burden to bear, Ryder Sumner?
Chapter 44
*Ryder*
“No one has ever really loved me except for you.I know that now; I think I’ve always known it, but I wasn’t in the right head space back then to understand it fully or to appreciate you and all that you’ve done.You and I both know that I was a major screwup in more ways than one.I know you tried to help me.I know you did your best, and that’s why I know that I need to be here with you because when I looked back on my life once things started to become clear again, whenever I thought of the past, you were all I saw.”
“You were all I needed, but I wasn’t in the right place even then because I still found myself trapped in a marriage that I didn’t want and never wanted.I know as long as I live, I will never be able to make it up to you for the pain that I caused, but please give me a chance to at least try.I have to try; I think I’d die if I don’t make this right.I can’t not have you, Elena, not and stay sane.”
“Why?Why would I do that?So that you could hurt me again?So that you could destroy me?What is it?You didn’t finish the job the last time, so you’re back to finish me off this time around?You must think I’m as stupid as you are or a glutton for punishment.”
“I don’t think anything other than that I owe you a lifetime of happiness.I’m not asking you to forget anything that I did; I’m not even asking you to forgive me, not unless or until you feel it.I just want to be with you.It’s selfish, I know, but I don’t know how to be anything else when it comes to you.”
“You’ve lived five years without me, without us, and though you won’t believe it, so did I.I made my life a living hell; I punished myself every day because I knew what I had put you through.I knew you weren’t happy, so I made sure I never had a day of peace, not once I realized the truth and how badly I screwed up.”
“I was racked with guilt and self-hate because I couldn’t even bring myself to even like the person I destroyed our love for.In the end, even when I remembered why I did it, my hands were still tied.You were still in danger, and so was Missy.I had to protect you both the best way I knew how.”
“There were many times when I wanted to get clean, but I always slid right back into darkness because I knew I’d screwed up too much to win you back.If I were any kind of man, I’d let you go to find someone else, but I can’t.Call me weak, call me selfish, call me anything you’d like, as long as you call me yours again.”
“What makes you think I want that skank’s leftovers?What are you on to think that I wanna accept you now after she’s had you?After they’ve all had you.”
“I see that mouth of yours is still as sharp as a two-edged sword.”
“I never expected it to be easy, winning your heart again; I don’t deserve easy.But I’ll tell you now that I’m not letting you go again.What happened to me was as much my fault as it was the people who used and abused me.I accept that; I willingly admit it.But dammit, don’t I deserve to be happy too.You look me in the eye right now and tell me that you’re in love with one of those fools who’ve been hanging around you.”I dare you.
“I think you’re forgetting a few things, one of which is that I got the worst of you.You’ve told me everything that everyone else has done, but none of them has done me more harm than you, Ryder.Of all those people you mentioned, you were the one I trusted.Why didn’t you love me enough?And why would I take that chance again?”
“But I did.I was just too fucked up to know it.I was a victim of this as well, you know.”