Page 57 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1

I’d had my doubts about anyone believing that lie, but with Saunders’s name in the mix, no one would dare say a word.Besides, this is Hollywood, and anything goes.“I’m sure Scott will be here soon to fill you in the way he always does.I’ve got work to do.”I motioned the two men to follow me and headed for the stairs leaving her standing there looking after us, calling out to me.

“But you just got home, aren’t you…?”I didn’t wait around to hear what else she had to say because, as far as I was concerned, I owed her nothing.The guilt I once felt for not being able to return her feelings for me was dead, and all I wanted was for this nightmare to be over so I could move on with my life.

There was a lot to unpack, a lot of soul-searching that needed to be done, but I knew I couldn’t do it here, not with her so close.And there was still the grand act I had to put on for the others.Trying to convince them that I was still the shell of a man they’d tried to turn me into was going to take a lot of effort on my part, but that’s what these guys were here for, to take some of the heat off me.

Right now, there was only one thing on my mind.I had a lot to make up for, a lot of wrongs to make right, but I couldn’t even do that; I can’t go to the one who deserves it more than anyone else, so I was in a rush to get into the studio and get the song done.At least I could do that much, and just as she knew that I would decode her message in her last song, I knew she’d get my message loud and clear.

I was already in a bad mood because of the paparazzi who’d been waiting outside the house with their stupid questions about Elena and her man of the hour and if I had any comment.What the fuck did they expect me to say?It was hard enough keeping my face void of any emotion as they hounded me to the gate, but had I opened my mouth to them, it would be all over, and the headlines would be saying something very different.

I know I shouldn’t begrudge her a dating life, not after the hell that I’d put her through, but it grinds my gears no matter how I tell myself that it shouldn’t matter.The thought of anyone getting close to her has haunted me these last few days and nights, and I’ve had to talk myself down more than once from calling her and telling her just what I’d do to her and those fools if anyone of them dared put their hands on her.

I have to satisfy myself with the reminder that I know her; I would’ve known if she’d moved on, really moved on.I’d know if one of those deadbeat assholes had laid a hand on her, I would’ve felt it.I know, too, that if I hunted them down like I wanted to, the news would be all over the press, and the jig would be up.

I owed it to Saunders at least to see this thing through, but I’m not sure I can go a whole month, let alone two, without going to her.As soon as things became clear, it was all I could think about, getting to her, explaining everything, and hoping that that temper of hers would let me get the words out before she brained me with something.

It’s memories like that that keep me sane these days.The fiery passion that she shared only with me.I don’t see anything even close when I look at her with those other guys.I’m pretty sure she’s doing that shit in part to get under my skin, that on top of that damn goodbye song like it was that easy.Let’s just see what little Miss.Thing has to say when I give her my answer.

I was already planning to release the song to a streaming device on my own instead of waiting like I usually do for a commercial release in a day or two.And even though I know I have to wait, at least I’d have said my piece.I was actually looking forward to this form of communication, and I wondered if she knew that she’d opened Pandora’s box by kicking it off.

By telling me goodbye after five years, she’s shown her hand in a way I doubt she’d considered when she walked into the studio.All she did was let me know that she wasn’t over me yet, that it had taken her this long to think that she was, but we both knew that she would never be over me, just as I would never be over her.

Remembering everything that had happened and why it had happened has helped me come to terms with the way things went down.I know now that I was never meant to come back to my senses.They’d planned to keep me drugged and under their control for the rest of my life or until they’d bled me dry.

The other stuff Saunders had divulged was way over my pay grade.Knowing that Elena had tried to warn me, that she’d seen it when I hadn’t and got out before it was too late, is the only thing that I’m grateful for in this whole mess.But it’s also the thing that tears me apart.

From the moment Saunders laid it all out for me, and the memories came back, my only thought was of her and whether or not she now believed that I’d given into the depravity that she’d tried to save me from.I can’t imagine the pain she felt when I chose the enemy over her.

But now I know why I’d done it, and I’d do it again.I’d do anything to keep her safe.Even let them destroy me.

Chapter 35

*Elena*

Ryder’s back.I shouldn’t feel this much relief that he was back safe, but there it is.I think I knew of his return even before the news broke; I felt it.I hadn’t let on to anyone, including myself, just how worried I was about his disappearance or how often I’d looked at the photo of him in the crowd amidst my fans in the last few weeks.And yes, I’ve finally admitted to myself that I wrote and released that goodbye as a way to keep in touch with him in a small way.

Not that I expected him to reply or anything of the sort, but at the time, even with all my other excuses and reasons, I needed to do it for me.But it wasn’t long after the release that I realized how futile the effort was and that my heart may never heal enough from the blow of losing him.Something I only found out afterward.

I thought I’d done a lot of healing and that I was ready to move on in some small way, but my own goodbye had proved me wrong.I’d gotten sidetracked with the whole rumor mill thing that was now going on with Mary Hudson and her daughters, but that hadn’t lasted because something else that I’d learned was no matter what happens to my enemies, my heart is still broken.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten a bit of secret pleasure at seeing them finally pay for some of the things they’d done, and that too at someone else’s hand, but the damage was already done, and there was still no Ryder and me.So whatever pleasure I gleaned from their imminent downfall was minute because my heart was still not whole.

Now I’m sitting here wishing the best for him and taking solace in the fact that he looked better in this latest photo than he had in quite some time.One of the things that had angered me beyond belief once I was able to see through the heartache was the fact that he looked worst after getting married to someone else.

I had so many questions back then, and there were times when I imagined meeting Janie in a dark alley and giving her a piece of my mind along with a swift kick in the ass.I mean, if she was going to go to such lengths to take him away from me, the least she could’ve done was take better care of him.Instead, he’d looked haggard and strung out each time the paparazzi snapped a picture of him, and she was always there by his side, smiling like an ass while her husband looked close to death.

It was none of my business and still isn’t, but my thoughts are my own, and I’m free to think whatever I want.There’s been lots of speculation as to where he’d gone off to.Some had been sure that the two of us were shacking up somewhere, then when I was seen out and about, it was rumored that we had a love nest, and I was only making public appearances to throw everyone off the scent.

I’m not sure how to tell about my fans thinking I was okay with committing adultery, but they’ve proven that they’re like a dog with a bone, and I know that there are thousands of them out there who still wish to see us get our happy ending.Others had given up long ago, and their hope had turned to anger, which he and his wife suffered the brunt of.

Now the rumor mill was going strong once again because he’d returned home to his wife, and I was bracing myself for the backlash.No wonder I can’t move on; the world just won’t let me, even if I were so inclined.I never realized until our split how big a part we played in some people’s fantasies.

The kids who’d grown up watching me grow up on screen had been more invested than I realized in our relationship and were finding it hard to let go of the fairytale.I can’t blame them, though, since I myself was still having such a hard time with it.

I was only now accepting that truth; it was too evident in my response to seeing him back home safe and whole for me to deny any longer, at least to myself.I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting it to anyone else, though, least of all Sydney, who’s the only one I’d trust to tell it to.She’d probably put a hit out on him if she knew because the girl is just that protective of me.

I won’t utter a word of my feelings to her because she’d see it as a setback, not knowing that I’d just grown very adept at masking my true feelings and that I never really got over us and what I’d hoped would be.I think I’d become part monster, too, because I can’t deny that even when I felt a kind of sadness seeing him looking so horrible, I got a weird kind of satisfaction knowing that he wasn’t doing as well as he thought he would without me.

I released a deep breath and put my phone away to find something productive to do with my time.It irks me no end that he still occupies so much of my thoughts.No matter how I lie to others and myself, I may never get over him, and believe me, I’ve tried.