Page 44 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1
My fans are the best.Poor things, they so want me to be happy.They’re so invested not only in my career but in my personal life and well-being as well.No wonder they’ve been such a source of help and support to me.It sucks that I’d missed out on most of their kind wishes in the past because staying off of the Internet to avoid my enemies meant I had to avoid my well-wishers as well.
Now, I feel even guiltier because they always had my back, and I dropped the ball.But reading the comments, I saw that my fans were still the same—steady, loyal, and supportive.Reading the comments brought tears to my eyes, but of course, there was a lot of speculation as to what kind of relationship Evan and I shared.
Of course, whenever I’m mentioned with a supposed love interest, Ryder’s name comes up.I’m unsure how to get it across to my fans that he’s now married and out of my reach, and I’m not too fond of the disrespect shown to his marriage.I understand how they feel; the way he did it was shitty as fuck.
But what’s done is done, and it was his choice, and I’m not about to be no man’s Jezebel.I’d be lying, though, if I said I didn’t have just the tiniest wish to see his response with his jealous ass.
***
*Ryder*
No, Ryder, don’t throw your phone.It’s about two hours to the nearest town if you break it.I was tempted to throw it anyway and risk turning on the old one just for the satisfaction of slamming the offensive piece of shit into the wall.I didn’t want to look again, but just as with the scene of an accident, I couldn’t look away.
She looked fucking happy with him.And the idiot press was talking shit about their relationship.What relationship?They don’t have a fucking relationship; she doesn’t have relationships; she’s not allowed.“Fuck me!”I think I’m losing my mind.I can’t do this shit.
This was their fourth or fifth date in two months.That’s how long I’d been up here, give or take a couple of weeks.I didn’t see it at first because I was taking a break from social media and had turned my phone off so I could concentrate on doing these exercises I’d been taught to try and get my memory back.
When I saw the first one when going through all the notifications that I’d missed, I didn’t think much of it.She was dressed nice enough, but I know my girl, and she only dresses like that if she’s trying to send a clear message that they are nothing but friends.
I didn’t mind so much that her family was there, that she was sharing them with him, but that, too, was something that put my mind at ease about what was going on between the two of them.The second one was pretty much the same, but this last one that shit is a no-no.She’s smiling into his eyes, the fuck.
The little voice in my head that has been riding my ass for as long as I’d been here in the mountains away from all civilization decided to stick his nose in my shit again.Oh, so you were happy when she was hidden away from the world, crying her eyes out because of the shit you put her through, but now that she’s moving on, you’re losing your shit?
“Shut the fuck, up.”That fucking voice is more annoying than the guy who sweated the drugs out of my system in the middle of the hot-ass Arizona desert.
Well, I could shut up, but what’re you gonna do now that she’s moved on?
“She hasn’t moved on, you dick.”I looked back at the picture and fought back the tears.She was smiling at him, yes, she was even holding his hand, but the way she held her body away from any other physical contact spoke volumes to the man who knew her better than anyone.
Whatever those two had going on, it was not love.I need to believe that, or I’d be lost.Not that I wasn’t wandering around in a maze of fuckery already.“She’s not in love with him.”
Yeah, but you don’t have to be in love to fuck someone.You’ve done it plenty of times.
“If you don’t shut your fucking yap….”What the fuck?I’m arguing with my own conscience out loud in an old log cabin in the middle of nowhere.
I guess she hit the nail on the head when she sang that song about me being lonely for the rest of my life without her.I was too drugged up before to appreciate the songs that I knew had been directed at me, except for the one that became an anthem for every broken-hearted woman between five and ninety-five.That one gutted me and sent Janie into a tizzy that lasted weeks.
I saw that she had a new single out and turned my attention to that instead of losing my shit over her and that piece of shit with the smarmy smile.I’d like to knock those teeth down his neck and see who the hell he’d be smiling at in the future.
The new song sounded more like herself, not as broken as she had been, but there was something about it that kept nagging at me and made me feel more melancholic than ever before.I’d done nothing but listen to her songs since coming up here; the old ones were heart-wrenching.But this new one hit differently.There was something about this one that sounded almost familiar.
It was better for me to focus on that, on what was bothering me about the song, than to dwell on her being with another man.‘Hey, asshole, you’re married.’
“Fuck off!”
No problem, I just thought I should remind you that you have a whole-ass wife that you haven’t seen in months and haven’t even tried to call.
It’s a crime and my burden to bear that the only way I can shut him the hell up is by getting high.This fuck hasn’t shut up since we got here, alone, in solitude, with nothing but myself and my mind to deal with.
I listened to her last single over and over again, well into the night, taking it apart word by word, line by line.I guess I know now why this one was haunting me.It was her goodbye song.I finally cracked the code.Like fuck!
Chapter 28
*Ryder*
She wants to write songs about goodbye; let’s show her how that’s gonna go down.And since she used music to get her message to me, there’s no better way for me to do it than to answer her with a song.Only, I doubt she’s going to like my answer.
I picked up paper and pen and got to work, but I was too pissed off to see straight, let alone write anything of any substance.No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get the song right, and my frustration kept growing.