Page 22 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1
It was right after my album and the beginning of my tour when it all started.Day after day, there was another new post crapping all over me and what we once shared.I wasn’t supposed to be looking at any of that stuff, but I was like a moth to a flame, just as I had been after the incident, pain diving, trauma seeking, whatever you want to call it.
I’d seen it all, saw the way his wife and her friends laughed at me.That was hard enough to swallow, but the things he himself had posted were the most horrible.He’d made a mockery of our love.Laying claim to the fact that he’d cheated on me with her while we were together.Something I had always worried about back then when I heard the rumors, but something he’d always reassured me about.
Now it was all out there for the whole world to see, and I was once again the laughingstock of our community.It was one of the things that had driven me to make the documentary, to share my side of the story.And now this, just days after the documentary had been released, I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest once more.
“Breathe, Elena, it’s going to be okay.Should I get one of your pills?”I shook my head no.I never want to become attached to those things.I don’t want to run to chemicals each time I have an episode, though I know that they’re needed.Especially those times when my mind turns against me.
They’re of great help, the pills, but they also leave me feeling a bit groggy, not to mention the weight gain, which is one of the more bothersome side effects.“Why am I still so hurt by this?Why do I still care about him so much?Shouldn’t I be over this already?”
“Okay, I know in the beginning I said all that shit, but it’s taken me this long and watching your documentary over and over again to get it.You love him; you really, genuinely love him the way only you can.And that love doesn’t just stop because he’s a fuck up, and you know why?Because he’s always been a fuck up.You just happened to see that and know that and yet were able to see all of his other qualities.”
“You loved all of him, not just the good parts, and that is why you’re still so invested to this day.You’re one of those people who keep coming back for more, no matter how rough it gets.The difference is that this time, you worked on yourself first, so now you know that you couldn’t fix him or anyone else while you, too, were broken.”
“No one can fault you for your love.I won’t let them.There’s no shame in giving your all to someone you love, but you won’t go back to that girl who hid herself away as if she’d done something wrong.You did nothing wrong; you did nothing to be ashamed of.And this song, as much as I hate his fucking guts, is beautiful.And there’s not a deaf man, woman, or child anywhere who doesn’t know that it was for you.”
“Okay, I’m better; you can stop lying now.”
“Which part was a lie?”
“Since when have you ever had anything good to say about Ryder?”
“You know me; I give credit where it’s due.”She went silent and gazed off into space, but it was obvious that there was something on her mind.
“So, now that we’re here, what do you think this means?”
“What does what mean?”
“This song, his words, what’s he up to now?”
“Beats me!I know one thing, she must be losing her shit.Which means I can look forward to more of her bullshit.Have you noticed a pattern?Every time there’s anything about him, she always goes on the attack.Why is she still so pressed about me?I’ve been out of his life and pretty much out of the picture for four years.”
“Why do you think?Didn’t you hear anything I just said?He’s still in love with you.She must’ve seen it, and now the whole world knows.There are still enclaves on the Internet of millions of people who are still rooting for the two of you.”
“But he married her.I lost.”
“And he’s been miserable ever since.You said yourself that you never really got any closure, that you still don’t know why he did it.Maybe there’s something there that we know nothing about, something that he was too upset to talk to you about.”
What could that be, though?I’d spent hours, days trying to figure it out, but there was nothing, not even with all the mean girl posts that had been floating around for years.There was never anything conclusive that I could hang onto and say this, this is what it was all about.
“And by the way, you didn’t lose shit.Let’s face it; your ex was a drug-addicted narcissistic asshole who didn’t have the first clue how to appreciate you.Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying he didn’t love you; I know he did.But maybe he wasn’t in the right place at the time.”
“I know you’re right, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.And it still hurts so bad.I try hard to pretend, but if there’s anything I’ve learned after doing this documentary, it’s that I can’t hide from life.”
“And you shouldn’t, but I have a question.It’s pretty serious, and I almost don’t think I should even ask.I think I already know the answer, but since you’re feeling strong enough to share, I’m dying to ask.”
“Why are you beating around the bush?That’s not like you; just spit it out.”
“You know me so well.Okay, so here goes.If he, Ryder, should change his ways, get his act together, ditch the twit, would you take him back?”
“In a heartbeat.”
“I knew it.”
“No, but wait, wait, he’d have to have a very good reason for getting a divorce, and I definitely wouldn’t cheat on him.And he’d have to be all the way clean, and we’d have to get some sort of counseling.”
“My dear little chicklet, I think thou doth protesteth too much.”
“No, but you know what I’m saying.I couldn’t say this to anyone else.but with you, I can be myself; I can be honest….Hello, who’s out there?”