Page 17 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1

“No, I’m not hungry, now stop stalling and tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s nothing, really.You pay me to take care of this stuff; I’ll take care of it.”Since she looked close to tears, I decided to drop it, but I had a sick feeling in my stomach.

I grabbed myself a bottle of overpriced water and took a sip, but even that was too much to get past the lump in my throat.“I’ve still got some work to do; I guess I’ll catch you later.”I held up the bottle of water as if that’s what I’d come down for in the first place when the reality was that I’d been starving before I overheard her conversation.But the tone of her voice had killed my appetite immediately.

My head spun as I made my way up the stairs, and all I could think was that I hoped this wasn’t going to be a repeat of the last time.Back then, before I gave up torturing myself, there were days when the gossip was so bad I’d been on bed rest for a time.

Being jilted the way I had been was hard enough, but all the speculation that followed had been just as damaging.There were tons of people on my side, but I knew from years of being in the spotlight that it only takes one bad review to spoil the good of all the positive ones.

There had been things written about me that boggled my mind, things I never did.But in this day of photoshopping and digital maneuvering, I was at a loss as to how to defend myself.Back then, I was too weak anyway, too hurt and confused to do much of anything.

It was my friends who had taken up the gauntlet and pushed back, but in the end, I was still the one with an egg on my face because everyone still thought that I must’ve done something to cause the rift between Ryder and me.And, of course, everyone knew by then that he had chosen her and not me.

It had hurt like a son of a bitch when everyone had sided with her and him, but then again, what did I expect?She was friends with the new Hollywood royalty, the ‘it’ girls, who pretty much ran everything in this town, and I was the odd man out.I never learned how to play the game the way they did and never wanted to, but hey, it’s whatever.

Because they held the spotlight, she and her friends, it was easy for everyone to take their side, to believe their lies, and pile on me.My image had been so tarnished that had I not known better, I would’ve believed their lies.But what can they be up to this time?What more could they possibly have to say?

I walked into my room like a zombie.My eyes landed on the bed, and I was tempted to crawl in and pull the covers over my head.But something—I’m not sure what—maybe it was the fact that I’d spent the last few weeks writing down my thoughts and trying to find my way back to the old happy me that stopped me from giving in to that urge.

I sat on the edge of the bed and did something I hadn’t done in almost four years.I opened my phone and went on social media.Not my own accounts, of course, but it wasn’t hard to find what I was looking for.I just typed in my name.

So many things popped up, even things I’d missed throughout the years while I was hiding away.There were a million pictures of the happy couple, some of them together and some while they were out with their friends.

It was as if everyone had forgotten about me after a while, or maybe it had been easy since I’d taken myself out of the picture for so long.Maybe they had even started to believe the lies since I never tried to defend myself, and now, she reigned supreme.

I held my breath as I read through the worst of it, struggling hard not to let it get to me.And then I came to the latest gossip and saw what Rachel was so worried about.How did they know so much about my medical history?

How had they known so much about the things I’d shared with Ryder when we were together?Things we’d shared in confidence.Even for him, this was a new low, and it was like him telling me all over again that he didn’t love me.

Of all the things that I’d seen about myself, that hit me the hardest for some reason.After all that he’d done to me, I never expected that he would betray me on this level.Of course, everyone knew I had a breakdown, but they all wrote it off as my response to the situation at the time.

But here it was in black and white, the fact that I had a certifiable mental illness, the fact that I used to cut myself.I read the comments, and they were horrific.People were laughing and making fun of something that had almost destroyed me when I was at my lowest.The funny thing is, it had been years since I did that to myself.Not even when he left me, I didn’t go back to that because I had sought help for it.

But now, that was there in black and white for all the world to see, along with my other illnesses, which I was now struggling to come to terms with.The urge to run away and hide grew stronger, but instead, I found myself picking up my journal that I had put under my pillow for safekeeping, turning the pages to the first blank one, and starting to write.

I wrote for hours nonstop, not paying attention to anything else but the words that were pouring out of me.I didn’t hold back, didn’t keep anything to myself, just let it all out.When I was done, I knew who to call.

Since they had started this war, for once, I was not going to back down.Instead, I will make all of those people eat their words.

Chapter 13

*Ryder*

The last few months have been hell.I kept playing her song over and over again for hours.It was the only thing I had of her, the only thing giving me joy.Thank fuck for AirPods and my ability to pretend because Janie had started trying to control even that until I yelled at her so loudly, she almost fell back from the force.

I think I saw real fear in her eyes that day.I’m not sure if she was afraid of me hitting her, something I’d never done, or if she’d realized something else she should be afraid of.I’m not sure how long it was gonna take for her to see the hate I felt for her.

Of course, I’ve done my best to hide it from her; I’m not such a dick that I can blame her entirely for the mess I’d made of my life.But there were days when I looked at her, and it was hard to keep the hate and dislike hidden.

I hadn’t seen Elena since that night at the award show, but it seems like I’m hearing about her more and more of late.She’s on the front of every magazine and seems to be the subject on everyone’s tongue.

I kept going to the places I knew she used to like, but she was never around.I was starting to think that she was avoiding me, and it was starting to piss me off.I just wanted to see her from across the room, for fuck’s sake.It’s not like I was gonna try to approach her or anything.Fuck knows I don’t need that headache, but just a glimpse from afar would suffice.I feel like I’m drowning without the sight of her.

I don’t know what the hell I expected, but this was killing me.It was one thing when she was hiding from the whole world, but now it’s just me because she’s been out and about with her friends, just not in any of the old places we used to like to go together.

I’ve spent my days stressing over her and the way this was making me feel and getting even higher than I was before because it was the only way to numb the pain I felt deep down inside.

I couldn’t share my feelings with anyone, obviously, because Janie was sticking to my side like a limpet, so there was no way for me to talk to anyone without her hearing.The only person I was allowed to be alone with these days was my spiritual advisor, and for the first time that I can recall, I didn’t like what I was hearing.